An Open Letter to Google re Panda Algorithm

For some peculiar reason I have not received as much search engine traffic as my output deserves. I have checked with local authorities such as my neighbour and the postman, and they agree that my content is of a very high quality.

They also agree that they would prefer it if I didn’t check with them quite as often as they are busy people, and in fact the postal service has sent me a warning letter about interfering with the mail by haranguing their operatives.

So having run out of local people to check with and written hundreds of undiscovered pages on my websites and blogs I need a new way to get my message across.

I realise that Google probably get tens of emails a day from time wasters and although I don’t fall into that category I am sure that a hand written letter will receive more attention.

So I wrote this. Obviously it’s a typed facsimile but it is essentially what I sent to them at their Palo Alto bean bag research center.

Dear Google.

Apologies for being familiar but I don’t know if you are male, female or non gender specific. Some of the writing about you on the internet implies certain questions in that area but I don’t want to enter that particular cesspit. No point in starting on the wrong foot is there?

I am writing to you today because I am pretty much at my wits end regarding traffic to my various high quality pages. I happen to know that they are beyond doubt some of the more excellent creations as I have received at least five Facebook likes and a Tweet. That kind of accolade does not come to the, how shall we say without being rude, crap on the internet.

Now I know you don’t lie in the same bed as Facebook but a Like is probably worth as much as a Google +1 so it’s something you should take some notice of. Two of those Likes are not from my mate as well, so that’s real world wide appreciation.

I realise you are probably quite a busy organisation so I’ll get to the point as quickly as I can. My beef is about the lack of traffic that your search engine is directing to my oeuvre. If you don’t know what oeuvre means then we’re going to be starting from different ends of the writing septum, however I am prepared to make allowances.

Unlike some.

Sorry. I am, determined not to slip into a rant about my BLOODY traffic, nor describe at length the mental anguish of watching your otherwise excellent Google Analytics tool showing zero – hour after hour.

Nor will I go into full details of the extra drain on the mental health service this traffic has had – in terms of suicidal writers seeking urgent medical, er, pick me ups. Fortunately, I am on what they call in the dispensing trade, a massive clinical high at the moment, having taken three days worth of pills with my morning coffee.

This at least gives me the courage to write to you and explain the problem.

I believe your esteemed search organ receives something like a billion hits a day. That must be a pretty good feeling. Always lots of traffic, things to look at, a reason for existing.

Imagine if you will that you received three or four hits daily. You are all sat there, wondering why Facebook has stolen all your traffic or if there is some other reason you can’t fathom. You feel sad, fat, unloved and want to give up and throw your bean bag out the window.

Someone has told you it’s the Artic Fox algorithm change which means no one will ever use the Google service again. You write to the Artic Fox but he’s so busy that he never gets back, and instead issues a series of increasingly weird edicts on your business.

• “Never write unless you mean it”
• “Beware the layout troll”
• “Consequences can occur”
• "Elliptical statements are a benefit"

… and so on.

Well Google, it’s like that for me. I have read at great length (it is quite lengthy) your set of rules for website owners. I have searched my heart to determine if I am a genuine writer or just a cheap spam merchant. In short I have questioned my very reason for existence.

On balance I believe I pass with flying colors. Here are the results of your test and my responses.

Are you a genuine writer?

Yes.

Do you use plagiarised content?

Yes. I mean no. Only joking.

Have you ever tried to sell something?

Well yes, but in my defence I never have sold anything.

Are you of sound mind?

‘Ish.

Do you use gay chat rooms?

I don’t see what that has to do with an analysis of my writing and refuse to answer it.

Would you trust your credit card with your website?

Yes I would. In fact, more than that, I really would. Honestly.

So, you can see, Google, that I pass all the tests you laid out. Yet still my traffic is appalling. This has caused great sadness, not only for me personally, but also my wife, neighbours and the postman.

To sum up.

Please can you have another look at my pages and give them a little boost up the rankings? I don’t expect you to make them top slot (although that would be nice), but somewhere around the first page would be acceptable.

If you can’t find it within yourself to do me this small favour I may have to refer the matter on to my legal team. However, rather than resort to court action, which could run into HUNDREDS of dollars in fees, I am sure you will address this matter promptly.

Thanks in advance of your tweaking,

Mark Ewbie

Ps. Oh, one more minor thing. Your Panda is shit.