Rubbish Non Joke Anti Funny Not Funny Humour Free Page

This is an unfunny joke page, an antidote to all the ‘fun’ available out there.

Now I like a good lol or rofl as much as anyone, but it doesn’t pay the bills.

In fact the length of the acronym is inversely proportional to the chances of the poster actually buying anything. Lmao indeed – that’s really something I can send to my bank manager.

“Here’s a funny for you Mark. What do you call a bankrupt loser? Mark.”

One man’s humour and all that. It can be a very one way thing. Anyway I digress.

The purpose of this page is not to have any jokes - it's not actually that difficult once you get started - just some plain text explaining in a dull way why jokes are not always funny.

This may not be the best sales pitch ever, but as I've had limited success with the hilarious and quirky angle, I thought I'd try something different.

I'm a bit on the grumpy side because I’ve wasted a lot of (quite) good material and not earned a penny.

So as I am running low on my joke store it’s time to spread it much more thinly.

I don’t get paid for spending every waking minute trying to think of something funny to say you know.

Even when I have finally thought of something there’s always the concern that it won’t be greeted with instant internet fame and invitations to bed people’s daughters.

A concern rooted in experience – I am sad to say.

So if you’re looking for fun – move on. Youtube is always good for a hamster drowning in a bowl of custard, or you can laugh along as people’s children hurt themselves in a variety of hilarious ways. There really is nothing to see here, as I have illustrated by the title.

And no, it’s not some cunning aren’t I a clever little studenty type nerd saying it’s not funny when oh joy behold it is ass splittingly funny. It just really isn’t funny.

You have been warned.

Anyway, if you are still here despite my trying to get rid of you then let’s continue as a team.

Not a real team of course – one of those teams where everyone else had been picked and I got stuck with you. Or you with me – to pretend to be fair for a moment.

My plan is to move away from the typical internet joke page into other areas.

Possibly poetry or short stories, or a hard hitting piece about something real happening in our world. If I could use the power of words to communicate, to transcend physical boundaries and form a common bond of humanity while easing suffering – then that might be my new higher calling.

That and make a few pounds of course. I’m not running a charity here.

Nearly made a joke there. Old habits and all that.

I checked with the wife though and she assures me that I haven’t written anything funny since last year when I did a piece for our ex church called the Lighter Side of Leprosy.

But with a new post modern twist. You’ve heard them all before anyway.

The twist, and this is very popular on virtually every yoof program I have the misfortune to see – is that they are simply not funny.

My wife’s gone to Jamaica. West Indies? Yes, that’s correct.

My dog’s got no nose. How does he smell? I don’t know, we buried him last week.

Knock, knock. Don't answer it, probably a cold caller.

Why did the chicken? Who cares? Who cares what the chicken did? Do you care? Me neither. Sod the chicken. Notice how I didn’t say stuff the chicken? Because this is a NON joke page, and that would have lead into a potentially humorous area. Absolute no go.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? Well how many do you really think? It would be a pretty useless, even retarded (now there’s an apparently funny word in common use by our cutting edge comedians) group of electricians where any one of them could not perform such a simple task. Heck, even I can change light bulbs. So how many? One. Woot, woot. I am rolling on the floor.

What do you call a contrived situation where the punch line is so obvious that it doesn't actually need to be said? Yep, one of those "what do you call a..." jokes.

Actually, and I mean this with no, or certainly little, offence, I’m not over bothered what you think.

If you came this far then you didn’t exit via the product placement – so I’m hardly going to be hysterical with happiness.

Another wasted view, another effort gone to waste.

I don’t want to sound impolite – but I’m not really sure what you were looking for. An unfunny joke page?

I mean – why would anyone… the internet is amazing sometimes. People are just so bored out there, and with so much time on their hands. What were you thinking?

No really, joking apart, not that there are any jokes here – I’ve made sure of that (oh yes) – it was nice of you to drop by. I appreciate it’s too much to expect you to mail this to your friend (I assume you don’t have more than one, if that) and ask them to pass it on.

And indeed, on this occasion, there is really no need. I have done other much better and funnier stuff – but I’ve given up hope of it making anything. So I’d rather you didn’t try using me for free laughs – I’ve done my bit.

Actually, unless they were a very good friend, they might question your sanity in forwarding this on.

So, er yeah, go for it. I might go viral.

Now that really would be funny.

I actually think this…

My wife’s gone to Jamaica. West Indies? Yes, that’s correct.

.. may be the funniest thing I have ever written.

I expect that’s why I haven’t made any money.

…

Note to children. Never, ever, put your hamster in a bowl of custard. Always get a grown up to help you.