Why You Should Hit Your Children
77A lot of liberal wishy washy namby pamby do gooder people will tell you slapping your toddlers is wrong.
Take no notice.
If they persist in telling you this then punch them.
I was regularly beaten as a child and it did me no harm at all, and anyone who says different I’m prepared to go face to face with any place of their choosing.
Beating children is character building, necessary discipline, and above any of that – it’s a damn good way to get out those frustrations of being a parent.
Otherwise, if you let that anger build up, you might end up killing someone. Give the wife a break and pick on someone else for a change.
How To Get Started
Start off with a small child.
You can refine your technique and it’s safer than picking on a bigger one. They are easier to pick up, swing, drop, etc. while your arm muscles gradually build up over time.
It’s best to start on your own children. In time you can graduate to hitting any child who happens to annoy you, but this is one area where it’s better kept within the family.
You don’t need specialist equipment for this – belts, shoes, or even some household chemicals are all suitable for administering swift and severe punishment whenever you feel like it.
The Naughty Step Fallacy
This is so middle class. Any child who simply stops misbehaving and goes and sits on the step for five minutes is not the sort of child I want to have anything to do with. That’s a quitter.
Show me a child who sits there patiently until the time is up and I’ll show you a Liberal or a future homosexual.
If you must practice this kind of left wing madness then at least use a Naughty Cupboard method (available from Amazon), where with a careful minimising of space and introduction of heat, spiders or broken glass – at least an element of punishment is involved.
Being Hit is Not Bad
For many children who are the recipients of a decent regular battering, the contact with the parent is the only contact they get.
The few precious minutes or hours of being restrained and hurt will stay with them as cherished family memories.
When they punish their own children they will be thinking back fondly to the beatings you administered, and the wonderful cycle of life is completed.
Simple Rules
Some parents create a complex scheme whereby different levels of misdemeanour attract various punishments.
Perhaps a toy is withdrawn, or a harsh tone used, maybe even the nuclear naughty step.
What a waste of time.
The child will not understand. Any human under fifteen is essentially a moron, they cannot cope with complex rules.
If they do wrong they get beaten.
That is simple enough for even the most stupid child to understand.
.
Reward the Good
This nonsense is preached by new earthers who have either not had children, or are so stoned they can’t remember whether they did.
The discredited theory suggests that you ignore children’s bad behaviour (ie. let the little shits get away with it) and you reward them when they actually do something right.
What? Like give them a biscuit for using the crapper instead of soiling their nappy?
Oh boy, I wish my father had given me a biscuit instead of a hard thrashing. I joke of course. I wouldn’t have turned out like this if he had.
The world does not operate a biscuit reward system. It punishes the weak, and that is what we teach these babies when we beat them. Valuable life lessons.
Spare the rod, whip and sandpaper - and spoil the child as the old saying goes.
Discretion in Beating
Although it is perfectly reasonable and normal to want to hit your child anywhere the fancy takes you, there are some places where nosy adults may think they have the right to interfere.
Rather than go through the ritual of removing your belt, strapping the child to a door and letting rip – it may be advisable to keep public punishments to a minimal level.
Perhaps a quick slap across the face while no one is looking, or a push to the ground will suffice until you can take the child and your anger home with you. In these circumstances, with the frustration you have suffered, the child should expect to receive an extra beating.
The Turning Point
At some stage the child may grow to be bigger and stronger than the parent. This is a tricky time in the parent’s life.
If enough mental triggers have been bashed into the child over the years it may be perfectly safe to continue beating them.
On the other hand it may be time for a little discretion.
Reworking the past may be useful. Telling the grown up child that you either didn’t beat them, or you did it because you had to, may be sufficient to avoid a thrashing all of your own.
After all, by this time, your job is done. It’s time for them to take your teachings out into the world and show others how responsible parenting works.
About the Author
I have been instilling discipline and terror into small children for nearly thirty years. Initially as a parent and then a teacher until a small legal problem occurred.
I have written an number of other articles which may be of interest:-
- How to Defend Yourself Against a Class Action
- Life Behind Bars
- Safe Sex in Solitary Confinement
- Becoming a Scientologist
- Abducted by Aliens
.
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I don't mind your suggestion Snakeslane, but I can't quite bring myself to do it. I mean, if I say up front this is followed by a load of nonsense it doesn't quite work for me.
Risky subject I know but, I'm trying to do something a bit more useful than the usual.
I totally get it, just a first impression and wanting to share that, carry on, I just react automatically to this subject.
I assumed you were kidding from the get go, I was laughing by the time I got to the serious part. Anybody who loves their children could hopefully understand that this is of course a mockery. It was just too descriptive etc to be anything else. I thought this was a great hub, and completely agree with your ending statement. Our children should be our hope for the next generation, little versions of ourselves, (hopefully better than us), that live amazing lives. Suffering any kind of abuse obviously can hinder and damage a child beyond belief. Trust me on this, I know. Regardless, I thought this was brilliant. Voted up/useful/funny/awesome/interesting.
This is really hilarious!! I laughed out loud while reading it :) The satirical tone is evident, as far as I am concerned.
Aaaah, I dont know if I should laugh or reach out and smack my monitor for showing this! Im just kidding, I get what you're doing (and if I didnt get it, I saw the disclaimer). The only time I'd ever agree with beating a child would've been if my mother-in-law had asked if she shoulda beat my husband...then I'd say YES!
Interesting hub. I figured you were being satirical from the beginning. However, the morons at whom it is aimed probably won't make it to the last paragraph. Nor would they understand satire. You are definitely unique and unusual.
Namaste.
Thanks all, and Deborah - it's an interesting problem. How on earth do you make a point to those that you want to make a point to? It's something that puzzles me, it's all very well preaching to the converted...
Mark, I thought this was clever, funny - but also, kind of something that gives the non-hitters among us a mild case of goose-bumps (or at least it did me). One of my "favorite" lines from hitters is this one: "Never hit a child in anger." (Apparently, "losing it", and smacking a child goes against the hitter's book of rules.) No, instead, the idea is to hit in a cold-blooded, premeditated, way that teachers the child it's better to bully with premeditation and coldness than to hit out frustration and helplessness (which is, of course, the behavior of a two-year-old). Now, premeditated and cold-blooded bullying - that's for grown-ups.
I agree Lisa, and there were many angles and points I missed. Short and shared I hope, rather than long and ignored.
I love that "book of rules" by the way.
Satire for sure Mark. I see you couldn't resist one of your stick drawings. :)
Luckily this was not the environment in my family.
Lisa HW, I completely agree, and have always found that really strange. Like some people have this pre-planned table of punishments, like if you don't listen once, you get a warning. Twice and you get told off in an angry way, and third, you just get whacked! I know people probably do this for real, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. (And once the child gets immune to it, do the whacks get harder and harder?) And yes, I can see that child going on to dish out similar treatment to siblings and the other kids at school.
Great Hub Mark... had me laughing from the get go, since I've read some of your other hubs that are satirical, I clicked on the title knowing that this would have to follow suit, especially considering the title.
FBR... you have to have a picture. But I was at a loss since I don't have and didn't really want any pictures of stickmen beating little stickmen.
Supplies.. that's the general idea. I have done the odd serious piece, somewhere, and I do the occasional sales piece too. So apologies in advance if you stumble across "Best Shoes for Autumnal Whatevers" sometime.
Moon Daisy, Lisa - it seems to me that there's no real book of rules - there's parents and their children, and situations, and lessons, and a whole bunch of stuff. Empathy helps, although it is hard after the third hour of screaming and the tenth sleepless night.
Mark, I read though this and was caught up in the spirit of it; quite ready to add several tips on "where to hit so there aren't bruises", etc., but your addendum made me stand back and think.
During the many years that I taught, I think I whacked a couple of kids on the hand, but with my own hand, and never used an implement, but looking back, that was more than enough.
For nearly all of my teaching life I managed to control children with a bark and a snarl... but I found very soon, that the toughest little buggers responded just as well to a smile, and a please and a thank you. And even a cuddle, but even that is frowned on now. God knows I am grateful that I am retired and don't have to put up with all that. Necessary in many cases, but it dehumanises teaching. And all the real interaction seems to have gone.
Mark: Well done, I must say you had me worried there for a moment as I did not know whether to laugh or call 911. Nice job and voted up! Kevin
Wow! This really caught my attention from the get-go. I feel like a sick person for laughing at this, but what got me was the ridiculousness how some people honestly think this way. Good job on working well with a risky subject. It definitely paid off. Voted up!
I thought this was a red, white and blue hub that Rick Perry could Sanctorum...um sanction...but now I see it's just a namby-pamby liberal trying to reach conclusionum ridiculum.
I ought come over there and hit your children!
You had a good thing going and then you revealed your true liberal colours...what an idiot!
Disclaimer: Everything I've said is the exact opposite of what I mean...Great hub...The title alone will bring in the traffic...you jerk.
Nicely done randslam, had me going for a while.
Totally outrageous. I wish I had children. I want to be outrageous too.
Mark,
I have been putting off having kids because...1) I don't really like kids, 2) No one will let me close enough to impregnate them, and 3) I was worried about dealing with discipline. Well...after this...I expect I am ready for fatherhood...
Nice...nice hub. I noted you got all politically correct at the end...still...I liked it and of course...I would never hit a child...they might hit me back.
Thomas
I copped out at the end, lost my bottle. Good satire should punch all the way through, but I just couldn't quite close it on that note.
Probably should have closed with an HP thing saying "the authors opinions are his own, although we do happen to agree with them"... or something.
Good satire. Glad the disclaimer was put in--definitely love our kids to pieces--the other but better extreme.
The stick drawing is art and totally relevant, kids do stick drawings don't they? So its totally relevant to this hub Mark, no need to explain it. Also, no need to explain that this hub is satire, I knew that from the title.
Great satire, Mark! I really enjoy reading your works :)
In the old days, early 70's I was hit on the job. This was to the back of my hand with a ruler. My "teacher" was a retired teacher who had used this in a public school. It happened one time. She was told politely if it ever happened again I would turn her in.
I was fired a few hours later. She had gone to the boss and turned me in for insubordination. According to my employer this was considered by him an acceptable practice and happened to all the people this woman trained.
I wasn't brought up to be treated this way. Teachers still gave hugs after sending students to a corner or sitting them on a bench at recess. At home after I was five this never let happen by any adult. We were like all children a little disobedient. Shaken fingers, being sat on a chair to watch the clock, or sent to the corner were the only punishment needed.
We always knew when we had hurt our mothers feelings. That was something we never wanted to do. We were taught to obey out of love. Teaching children any other way often leads to one kind of disaster or another.
It was explained to us (my siblings and I) "spare the rod, spoil the child" referred to discipline not a literal rod.
None of the children who are in my life now are my own or grandchildren. For the most part they obey out of love. If not love for me, love for their parents.
The only rules they are required to obey are the rules their mothers set down for them. This can be hard when there are children from more than one mother here. The rules each set are different. Somehow we manage to make it work.
Mark Ewbie at its best. I didn't know you were beaten as a child, but you turned out superb, so I guess I should take your advice here. Unfortunately, I can't read all the way through, because I gotta run and take the kids to the bus. But I'll return, if I don't forget. Thanks.
I came back to this because I was reminded of it after stating a less than complimentary opinion about the intelligence of certain commenters at one of my hubs and being told by each of the three people involved something like "You wouldn't date say that to my face!"
Why? Because they'd hit me? If I think someone has made an truly dumb argument and say so, their response is physical?
"Wassup wid dat?", I ask, knowing very well what the answer is.
Maybe we shouldn't have bothered evolving such a ridiculously large brain after all. Giant fists would have been so much better.
Fantastic step by step advice that I will follow unreservedly upon having my own children.
:)
You're a genius.
Hi Motown, thanks, I think. Glad you found this, it needs a bit more work - another job for me to do. I need to take it out on someone.
Where's that kid gone to?
Aw, you let me down. Fantastically funny piece of writing. As I read, I was simply salivating at the thought of seeing the crazed comments at the end. Then you go and ruin it with that stupid disclaimer. Clean took my fun away. Coward.
H
x
Horatio - you are absolutely right. I have deleted it.
Oh my goodness! Talk about courage! I will follow with interest.
Voted up, and shared just to help fan the flames.
H
x
I sometimes think you can't possibly get any better at this. Luckily, I'm here in my tiny hovel with the doors locked tight during those times, and you are in England.
So you did have a public school education then Mark? lol!
Ok.....this is a supposed to funny......right?
hehehe...oh Mark.
Your wit is priceless and those who don't get this are dull.
I made me chuckle.
Horatio - you were right...
Wesman - if I was over there I'd be teaching you the value of a good leather strap. Anyway, it's nice to hear from you.
CMHypno - public education made me what I am, and I'm proud of it. I can't shower with other men these days, but that's a minor detail.
Lorne - I'm simply saying what needs to be said.
Stacie - it is heart warming to hear a chuckle, once the endless blubbering has stopped.
Mark.....You really ARE into inflicting pain. I laughed hard enough to hurt myself. This is so in line with the sense of humor my sis and I were raised in and learned to appreciate. (It really did help to laugh while we were being beaten)
Obviously, it's been solidly passed on through the generations. All of our adult children share the same illness........and injuries.
This is too damned funny for words. I must pass it on to all the weirdos I know will LOVE it.
It always amazes us that there actually are individuals so disabled, they don't get this type of humor. In fact, it "scares" them! LMAO!!!! (as in Lorne, tee hee)
This is a winner. Just love it!!
Hi fpherj48, if this sharing helps put upon parents to get a bit of own back on those ungrateful idiots, or children I suppose you might call them, then I'm grateful.
snakeslane Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago
Hey Mark Ewbie, satire absolutely, but I would take that last bit and put it in a box right near the top just in case, hope you won't mind my critque. Regards, snakeslane