Funny Plumber's Story - Always Use Drano Products
85… and let me tell you it has nothing to do with a multi dollar writing competition. Oh no.
As a matter of fact I have been interested in plumbing since I was knee high to something quite small, and as soon I could do something that bigger people do I got into this plumbing thing.
A lot of people might sniff and say “Plumbing? Who cares” but I wasn’t like other kids. I’d run home from school (we didn’t have a car), and be up to my elbows in sewage related problems whenever I could.
Fortunately with two incontinent relatives living at home there was always something for me to do, unblocking wise.
Whichever dad I happened to have at the time, can’t remember names, not important, would normally let me use the tool box. I would practice learning all the names of the equipment – monkey wrench, hammer, pliers – until I was able to recognise them blindfold.
One day mother took the blindfold off and I could see the tools for myself. It was a revelation. They were old and rusty, and even when new were probably a bit cheap. That was when I resolved to make something of myself one day and become a plumber. Then I would be able to afford proper tools.
Unfortunately a war probably came along (it’s just a story – go with it), and I expect I was horribly disfigured. That’s the best start when you need to build to some kind of triumphant plumbing related climax. I spent many months in a state penitentiary (ed: sanatorium?) until the nurses decided I was ready to leave.
I say ‘decided’ – they actually took a vote, and it was apparently near on 100% in favour.
In the days that followed my expulsion I checked out local jobs. Electrician, bank clerk, toothpaste sales representative – all brilliant of course, but they didn’t call to me. Then on the Friday in the Gazette, was the advert I had been looking for.
“Trainee Plumber Wanted”
It was in the dark period before the internet, and they wanted a letter of application so that was my weekend gone. I posted it on the Monday and was so eager and anxious it seemed like weeks before I got a reply.
It was weeks before I got a reply. They were interested and could I attend an interview?
Could I? You bet your jolly Jehovah’s I could. I hot tailed it (ed: can we stop it with the faux Americana?) down to the joint and prayed I would give a good interview.
To cut a long story short… actually let’s string it out a bit first if you don’t mind… the interview went OK. But it didn’t have that killer moment where you look into their eyes and you see their soul offering you the job. So I did my party trick.
“Can I get my tools out?” I asked, and they agreed cautiously. I put my blindfold on.
I felt for the box catch, sprung it open and started feeling around.
“Spanner” I said.
“One inch washer” I said. I’m sure I heard a gasp of surprise at this point.
“Self tapping tappety thing” I said, and there was a ripple of applause and a murmur of “go on my son” and “back of the net”.
At this point I would have been able to see they were impressed had I not been wearing a blindfold.
I took it off.
“You got the job son” they said.
A Career in Plumbing
So I started as a trainee and trained. I learned all about plumbing and plumbing situations.
I bought the special trousers that don’t quite cover your ass when you put your head under the sink.
I learned how to do that intake of breath, look sad and say six hundred dollars as though I hadn’t just plucked the figure out of thin air.
When I started earning enough money to have a bit spare I started saving. There was something I’d always wanted during my school years, my army years, my hospital months and my trainee plumber days.
It was the full on set of Drano equipment.
Note: At this point in the story I checked the Drano product line on Amazon – mistakenly thinking they sold plumbing tools. They don’t. Bother.
What I really wanted
No, I didn’t need tools of course. I already had tools. What I needed was drain clog related product.
You see, if you are a busy plumber and someone calls you in for a blockage, then it would be nice to bill them for a new sewage system and when their backs are turned just pour some of this miracle stuff down the drains.
Up until this part of the story though I had never been in a position to buy genuine Drano product from Amazon.
Why? Because this is a few years back and I probably still didn’t have an internet connection.
Anyway, if you will allow me to continue without further interruption, I am building towards the best day in my life. Apart from when our favourite child was born of course. Not so much the second one.
Imagine if I, the local plumber at Plumb-You-Up, could purchase the range of products for unclogging drains (ed: finally, some research). There would be nothing holding me back in my quest to become the number one plumber in the area. All those years of practicing expressions like…
- “Unblock your drain Madam?”
- “At your service”
- “It’s completely unclogged”
- “Six hundred dollars”
.. would now be put to use.
My Ultimate Desire
 | Mere words cannot do justice to this product. A Titan among uncloggers - don't just hide it in a cupboard somewhere. Put in on display - a mantelpiece, bookshelf - and watch the envy on your neighbour's faces. Amazon Price: $8.71 List Price: $12.20 |
The Drano Purchase
I logged onto Amazon and was staggered by the range of unclogging product available. But I didn’t want any old product. Oh no. I wanted Drano.
Why buy anything less than top of the range when you can, er, buy top of the range? So I typed in Drano and got busy with my credit card. No point in holding back when there are drains to be unblocked.
I got the gel, the plunger, the foamer and the snake as well. When those beauties arrived they went straight in the back of the van ready for my next emergency call out.
edit: On reading back that description of available products I want to assure you this is a family safe page.
The Emergency Call Out
These happen all the time. To the customer they’re an emergency, to me they’re a nuisance.
Apart from plumbing regularly I also do a bit of spoof internet writing, and the calls always come just as I’m getting into the swing of another misleading story.
Still, as I can make more money changing a ten cent washer as writing a Kindle book, I normally try to be polite.
The phone rings.
“What?” I say.
“Is that the Plumb-You-Up service?” says a little old lady.
“That’s us” I say, and then a smooth and practiced “What do you want?”
“My husbands not been well and we have an unwelcome blockage in the upstairs water closet” says the lady. “Can you fix it or should I just pour some unclogger down it?”.
I asked what type she was planning to use, it wasn’t Drano, phew – and I told her that her cheap stuff wouldn’t work and would just make things worse. Plumbing is a bit like doctoring – the patient will believe anything you tell them. For all I know it might be true. I only use Drano.
Anyway, to finally cut a long story short, a story which seems to have totally missed out on the hundred and one plumbing related possible puns – I turned up at her house.
One capful of Drano, blockage cleared, six hundred dollars in my pocket and I’m doing the irritating plumber whistle all the way home.
“Buy Drano – it will keep you Sane –oh”
End of Plumbing Page
Thanks for reading. Apologies might be more in order, but on this occasion thanks will have to do. The competition cheque can be sent to my home address.
Oh one more thing. In order to comply with competition rules which I have just invented, I should point out that I have never been a professional plumber, am not connected with the plumbing trade and have little interest in plumbing, plumbers or other plumbing related material.
Sadly, I also cannot do the blindfold trick.
Incidentally if it worries you at all that I make money from doing this... I don't. It is quite utterly pointless.
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Thanks for some genuine plumbing advice JP.
Well you plumb cracked me up there mark. So many brilliant multi layered witticisms from start to finish, including your slogan. You really have put together a great hub and practiced what you preached about your drawings enhancing the piece. It's quite ironic, but we had a big party here last night and one of the toilets filled up to the brim. I kept flushing it and after about the fifth time the obstruction suddenly cleared. Drano would no doubt have done it in two or three, but thankfully we saved ourselves a small fortune and an horrific shorts horror flick. Top draw mark. Cheers
Thanks AH, very nice comment. Nice flush work! I only wish our toilet would block up, then I could write a proper hub about it.
The first thing a trained plumber must learn, crap runs down hill.
The second, exposing the plumber crack at exactly the right time makes it easier to employ the draino.
Turdly, that will be $600, except on weekends.
Turdly - love it. Missed it completely of course.
Trust you to write a parody on plumbing and still post a draino amazon product. :)
Hi FBR, I thought the inclusion of the product advert just added that final touch. Plus.. you never know. I might get lucky.
When you got the job, and whisked off the blindfold (not necessarily in that order) I almost stood to attention and cheered.
Tears came to my eyes with pride that I even cyberknow you.
Hurrah! Mark
By the way, your Drano snake looks a bit pissed off. Is he having a mid-life crisis [I'm not going to indulge in any plumbing puns about being driven around the U-bend (Oops! I did)]
Interesting little fact. Did you know that plumbers are called... er... Plumbers because the Frog word for lead is "plomb" (Or something similar) and lead used to be used for plumbing stuff and joints and things, Innit?
Isn't that exciting? And INSTRUCTIVE?
Just remember to wash your hands before I shake yours in congratulations for yet another spoof that has everyone falling out of their chairs laughing.
THIS is what makes you a genius, Mark. I could only shake my head and be annoyed when I saw the competition theme. YOU actually made something of it. And, that something was funny as all get out - including the Americana.
Love it.
Twilight - interesting French fact, thankyou, and I hope Google takes note of how informative this page now is.
Paradise - thanks and that hand washing thing reminds me about something I needed to write about. It will keep.
Motown - I am glad you came and read. I like doing this style of story thing, but I know there's a danger it may just leave people puzzled rather than amused.
I about died when I saw the crack jeans picture.
Excellent Jonathan. Not about you almost dying of course, but hitting a sweet spot.
Message from HubPages Moderators.
Hi, Mark Ewbie, your Hub “A Plumber's Tale - Why You Should Always Use Drano Products” has triggered this Automatic Warning: The Hub is at risk of being Unpublished.
It violates our Terms of Service, in ways too numerous to list. But the particular violations that head the list are:
1: It is ENTERTAINING.
2: It runs counter to our New Policy of ADVERTISER SUBLIMATION, ie: it is DISREPECTFUL to an advertiser with whom we have just forged a profitable, and we hope, long term association. The first of many direct deals which will turn the tap of profitability back on at HubPages. (See HubPages recent announcement of Drano as the pioneer advertiser on our new wider, more free-flowing format pages.)
To expand on this point, and unclog any blockage in your comprehension, we have demonstrated with the recent Plumbing Theme of the Month Competition, our ability to create a library of Hubs about a topic of our choice, and to our benefit, and to leverage that into new Advertising and Sponsorship opportunities, from which we, and potentially, a few HP promotional hacks (previously known as ’writers/authors’) stand to profit significantly, as we duplicate the process, on a monthly Theme Contest cycle. The well known Rinse and Repeat process...
Clearly, this policy is put at risk by contributions such as your Hub, which, apart from violating our rule against Purely Personal content, (HP is not a bog, er, blog), clearly offer no new insights, show no real understanding of, nor offer any genuine support for the product.
If you’d like to see an Example of Exemplary Writing, at the standards we want on HubPages, you may wish to look at a Hub recently posted by one of our own staffers, “How to Fix a Clogged Drain with the Drano Snake Plus”, by Simone Smith.
It is fortunate that our Associated Hubs feature likely means that this Hub is currently alongside yours (while it remains published); thankfully providing those readers that you have hoodwinked Google into sending to your page, will at least be able to easily switch (at no benefit to you) to an article that provides real information about Drano, and at the level of implicit obsequiousness that our new policy requires
Mark Ewbie, our advertisers are NOT here to be laughed at, chaffed at, or thrown shit at. Nor subjected to Hubs whose sole intention is to take the piss.
If we should require your opinion in the future, we’ll be sure to push the button marked ‘Flush’
In the meantime, please amend your Hub to ensure it fits our new format, and resubmit to our Experienced Moderators.
At your own convenience, of course. No pressure.
Glad to hear your not a professional plumber or that you actually get paid for just using drano.... however, if that was true... I would have had to jump on the bandwagon and join you with the same thing out here.
Interesting article... I will make sure to reference it whenever I get a clogged toilet or something!
Hi WO, I carefully made sure that I posted prior to the competition thereby avoiding the actual contest, and I also endeavoured not to diss the product in any way - hey, I know nothing about it. I did wonder before writing it, during writing it, and after publishing it - but it felt so right for me that I had to do it.
I hope HP will see the funny side and a not so small part of me hopes that Drano might see the funny side too.
What do they call it? Alternative advertising maybe?
I know, I'm kidding myself. Great comment btw, and finally some plumbing gags.
Hi BBG, you are welcome to use this article for any plumbing emergencies in any way you see fit.
Great stuff, thanks!
Hi Mark, good luck with HP seeing the funny side. Drano too. My comment is written as satire, but as we all know, satire only works if it's reflected in reality (or, at least a credible perception of reality..) and I'm not at all sure HP has a functioning funnybone, if the joke's on them. My Hubscore, which of course "doesn't matter" anyway, has plummetted from the mid 90's down to mid 80's, since I 'won' my case to have the Queen's Thoughts Hub republished, and wrote about the process in the Idiot Child one....
Probably pure paranoia on my part.
But, if you're at all concerned that my attempt at a satirical comment will bring the wrath of the HP gods down on you, feel free to delete it.
PS: I guess 'avoiding the actual contest', is why the HP staff Hub referred to above, is already published. (?)
Cheers
PS: Somehow I feel like everything I write lately hastens the day when I'll receive that "Shut up or shut the door behind you" email from said gods...
Hi WO, Simone's page was published pre contest, probably because as a staffer she isn't allowed to enter and because she wanted to give the genuine contestants an idea of what to aim for.
I know what you mean about the score punishment thing, but it probably is paranoia. Hard few days (weeks?) you have had, but hopefully it's over now. But clearly you can't spend forever 'satirising' HP - probably not the best way forward!
From my previous incarnation, elsewhere, where I spent my time fighting the system - I can only conclude it was a waste of time. Ultimately, both you and I are trying to make some beans if we can. So tempting and easy though it is to rock the boat - if the boat then just deposits you in the murky depths - not a great deal gained.
Enough from me I think. Good luck to you.
Thanks Mark, you're right of course. Good advice, taken.
Now, if I can just think of something to write about that demands to be read, by thousands of people..... :)
Awesome hub as usual. Rated up here, there, and everywhere.
OK WO, I hope I wasn't too preachy. Good luck with finding that popular thing - do let me know.
Thanks Paradigm - I was happy enough with it (it's what I like to do), but never sure if a ramble will be funny enough or just generally confusing and too long. Thank goodness for positive comments!
Mark ... I larfed like a Dran (o) over this ... given it a 'useful' vote ... just to be different.
Well, Mark, if you want to put it that way (search traffic) than I think the only people who get read sell products. yes. dismal I wrote a mystery quiz people can take to determine what subgenre they prefer to read. Some of my readers already know and didn't have to take it. But overall, only 14 people have taken it. hmmm.
Useful is great Angie. I aspire to useful. One day...
FBR - It's all about search traffic. That and plumbing of course.
Butter him up, Angie. I want to arks him if he will let me exhibit one of his wonderful pieces of art for the exhibition entitles 'Great Art of the Western World' or sumfink.
i thought Lettice should pop over to Ewbie Mansions and arks him herself, but she said that they hadn't been introduced, and she didn't think it would be right.
Help yourself Mr. Twilight. If it's a cruel joke at my expense then, well, I probably deserve it.
You're right, plumbing is like doctoring, or however you put it. My plumber said NEVER put drano down my cast iron drains, and so I never did and never do, and now I have the plumber on retainer. Next time, I'm going to watch what he does, or at least go inspect his van while he's busy in my house, because I now suspect (thanks to you) I'm getting billed a hundred bucks for a capful of drano.
Up and funny and definitely another chapter for the "Life According to Mark" book, soon to be published, when????
I won't comment on your plumbers advice for fear of upsetting the ancient guild of plumbers and /or Drano suppliers - the info is out there on the net.
ST. The book is on hold. It's one of those intention things - so when anyone says "what are you going to do with your life" you can mention it. As I got banned from Google Sites today I am on a bit of an internet writing downer. But...
I'll be back...
It is sad that so many readers have FAILED to take this seriously. They'll be laughing on the other side of their faces in an emergency! Apart from the time when a very large lady snapped our toilet of at the base during a rather good party, I attempt to avoid calling a plumber and DO IT myself. Here is my recipe for the Drano free unclog. Pour a tablespoon of baking powder down the drain. Have ready a jug full of vinegar and pour it down the drain. Put the plug in on top and stand back and wait. If it is the loo clogged up use more stuff and sit down firmly after the vinegar has gone in. Good luck with your merry plumbing ventures!You can come round and unclog my pipes anytime you want!
Lol GW, very funny, I mean good advice. She snapped the toilet - that is slightly embarassing all round I should think. Of course as a professional plumber I'd be there with my Drano and a roll of masking tape. "Should hold till the morning - six hundred dollars"
Ha ha Mark, the rose bed got a bit more than it bargained for until that was fixed. Dang it all we had masking tape handy too!
Brilliant, I laughed all the way from top to bottom and I am still laughing.
When I was about 7 years old my cousin dared me to eat Drano.....Silly me, I put a bit on my tongue..thank goodness it was only a bit...Burned like the devil for hours.
GW - if only there were a comp for masking tape and it's uses. My wife believes, and she is pretty much right, that you can fix anything with a bit of masking tape.
Susan - glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for sharing that ouch story. Not entirely sure this is what the Drano marketers are looking for but all publicity is good publicity,
Either you are mad, or you are a genius, or you are a mad genius. I think it's all three. Did you win? I didn't have time to trawl through your 9 million comments to try to find out, oh he-whose-hubs-never-get-read-,-don't-make-me-laugh.
Susan - when I was about nine I dared my brother to drink something that my grandma had decanted into a lemonade bottle; it turned out to be cleaning fluid. He was alright, just had a bit of a sore tummy! What my grandma was thinking of, putting cleaning fluid in a lemonade bottle in the room that we slept in, pah, I do not know.
Linda.
You're right, Linda, on all three counts.
He's a mad genius and all the other things. I hate him!
Lady Wordsmith - thank you, I would love to be a mad genius. Someone like Dali (can't remember) said "the only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad" - one of my favourite quotes.
As regards the comp, I published this hours before the official start date, deliberately, to avoid any potential embarassment for Simone if she was sat next to the Drano guy checking the entries.
That lemonade thing. I vaguely remember a government warning about don't drink anything from a lemonade bottle, apart from lemonade obviously and wondered why people tried to kill their children this way.
My friend Twilight - a few articles hit the madness quotient - this was one I think. My favorite is the slightly surreal misleading story - the devil is trying to make it funny as well, rather than just mad.
Thanks guys. A little encouragement is all I need for another fifty pages.
Eek!
Lol.
edit. I like the way the message "short comment" came up when I just put Lol, but when I added a fullstop it was fine.
WOL sent me over to your hub, Mark, and boy, am I mad at him for that. I may have to call for an ambulance to take me to the emergency room now, as I'm pretty sure I have broken several ribs laughing out loud at your bitingly hilarious piece.
Your astute observations and the skillful wit with which you serve them up serve as a paragon for writers everywhere. Don't stop writing. Ever. (Except for the few minutes required for pouring the miracle drain de-clogger down the loo.)
I'd stand up and applaud you, but, as I'm sure you can imagine, I am currently rendered immobile due to said broken ribs. Please accept this wink and nod in lieu of an ovation. (WOL, if you're reading this: watch for my medical bill coming in your mail soon.)
Voted Up, Useful, Funny, Interesting, Awesome and Beautiful because you deserve every accolade for this article.
Well Miss Mellie, thank you very much indeed and thanks to WOL for sending you over here. I had reached the stage of being a bit fed up with this, there's a period after articles when I think "oh just me going on again, same old stuff", so it's really nice to get a fresh reaction.
Maybe I will be able to crack this writing game.
That's if the plumbing doesn't work out of course.
Thanks again...
Hi :)
Very entertaining!
I wonder what they expected, when they made 'plumbing' the topic of the moment?!
Thanks Trish, I think they expected a load of "how I fixed my drain with Drano", and so on! I guess we can expect more of this type of competition in future, and to be fair to HP - they, and we, need the advertisers.
No ones going to pay for humorous prose - that's for sure.
What can I say except that you really deserved to win!
Nemanja, I never found out WHO won. It would have been interesting to discover, but HP is strange sometimes.
It was probably some well written article about plumbing which provided readers with useful information and some product links.
Sheesh.
This wasn't the winner! Shame on HP!
Lol Gypsy! I had to read it back again to remind myself. Quite pleased with it on reflection. Maybe it should have won.
To be fair to HP though I didn't actually enter it in the comp - I knew it wouldn't be quite what they were looking for.
Ah well, there's always next time...
This is just awesome:):):)
Very entertaining! Thanks for the chuckles.
Aha! You're the guy who came to install my hot water heater a while back! I recognize the sigh & the $600 thing. Didn't see the crack, though.
Still laughing, and I'm going to rip off your art idea - I have a few pending hubs that need photos. Go ahead and sue. Well talk about the water heater bill, first.
No crack? You were ripped off. That wasn't me, I'm a pro.
Thanks Marcy...
butt ofcourse it is funny! :)
JP993 Level 2 Commenter 9 months ago
Exposed bum crack is an essential part of a plumbers tool box. You never know when you need to put your monkey wrench down, so you need to put it somewhere you can remember. They should never be mistaking for somewhere you can park your bike.