Why Am I Surrounded by Idiot Users?
73It’s OK. I don’t mean you. You’re probably OK.
At least you are until you ask me a dumb-ass question that any reasonable half brained person could work out for themselves.
I work with idiots.
Lazy, clueless, stupid idiots.
The questions they pose me are not far off “shall I scratch my ass today?”.
It is as if they have not got one iota of self reliance, not one idea between them.
The ability not to stand on their own decisions but to constantly bleat and pass the buck.
I hate them.
I despise them.
And, believe me, if I won the lottery they would not see me again for dust.
By the way. If you expect some earth shattering bit of information in here then think again. It’s just a rant. A rant about the mindless people we are expected to deal with – day in day out.
Email Trail
Dear Mark,
I have come across something that I am too fucking stupid to understand. Rather than spend one moment of my precious pointless time on this earth I thought I would send you a mail, copy into half a dozen other people, in order that I can spend more time achieving absolute nothing.
Even though I am of no use whatsoever, and am an argument for euthanasia of the terminally incompetent – please accept my thanks for wasting your time.
Useless
…
Dear Useless.
It’s OK. I was only working when your stupid request entered my inbox. It was of no consequence that your pathetic query distracted me from doing something of value.
I welcome this opportunity to struggle to understand your request, written as it is in the cack handed way a pre schooler might manage.
No matter that you have omitted all the relevant facts and have supplied information along the lines of “something went wrong” or “I need help”.
Please do not hesitate to start a stream of correspondence where we play doctor and patient as you tease me by revealing clues that would have enabled you to solve the fucking thing in the first place.
You are an utter moron.
Mark.
People are Useless
Well, that email exchange would be nice. But I have to grit my teeth and breathe calmly before replying.
The last thing you can do is tell these idiots where to go with their stupid pointless time wasting ill thought requests.
I am currently engaged in a task that the user has turned into a mountain. Some ability that, to make a minor thing into something big.
I guess it makes them feel important, or it takes them away from their normal mind numbing routine of chat, coffee, mistakes, incompetence and uselessness.
Not once do these cretins think “how much is this costing my company?”, or “will this sell more product?”. Not ever do they consider how much their trail of mindless crap costs in terms of wasting MY VALUABLE TIME.
This is not a one off. This is the usual.
Stupid, stupid people who cannot think for themselves.
Example
Here’s an example of one of these useless bits of shit.
Apologies for swearing by the way, but if I can’t do it here, then where can I? In the middle of the office, at the top of my voice?
Like I said… when I win the lottery.
Stupid user, let’s call them Stoops, has a problem.
They want to know how to do the blindingly obvious.
Oh no!
How will Stoops cope?
- Will they try to remember if they did it before and whether they made a note?
- Will they check for some documentation?
- Will they Google it and try to figure it out?
No. Not Stoops.
Stoops knows how to email or pick up the phone and this is what they do.
Every single, wearing, tedious, boring time.
How Stoops Uses the Phone
Bear in mind I am busy. That’s like why I go to work. To do stuff and get paid.
I don’t pop in for the fun of it or for a chat.
Results is what it is about. Results gets you paid, it keeps you in work, it builds a reputation.
Chatting about stupid things with stupid people does not.
Ring, Ring.
Me: “Hello”
Stoops: “Hi. I hope I wasn’t interrupting”
I mean, ffs, of course they were. The equally stupid question is “are you busy?”.
What should I say? “Yes, now fuck off”.
Me: “Well, I’m a bit busy”.
Stoops: Inane babble – weather, children, etc.
Me: “Was there a reason for this wonderful interruption?”
Stoops: Proceeds to get to the point… at last.
Often they will answer their own question by speaking about it, or I will answer it before they have finished explaining. There is nothing like someone saying something happened, when it was announced the day before that something was going to happen.
“Oh… yeah” they might say and there we go… another ten minutes wasted.
To Anyone Who Resembles a Stupid User
Unless your sole aim is to wind people up and waste company time – how about just occasionally you try giving a few moments thought to your own query or problem.
Using that brain that you were born with.
Thinking about your life.
Why are you here? What is the point of you? What use are you to humankind?
Maybe, if you can only ever email or phone other people to wipe your ass you should be in some other form of employment – perhaps as a member of the Royal family or a senior politician.
Thanks.
vote upvote downshareprintflag
- Useful (3)
- Funny (7)
- Awesome (3)
- Beautiful (1)
- Interesting
CommentsLoading...
I agree with Pamela. I am currently working in a tax prep office and some of my coworkers don't have any common sense at all. I kind of wonder how they were allowed to be hired?
I am so happy to have found a way to make money doing the thing I love -- Composing music. I work alone now and I don't miss ANY part of the office setting. Great hub!
This is so funny and yet sadly true too. People waste others' time always. I do not mind being interrupted for something that is actually important - such as when there is a medical emergency in the family I drop everything - but often it is just to say hello.
This story you wrote reminds me of a short story in a mystery anthology I read called something like "We Know You're Busy Writing, But..." The writer worked at home, but was constantly interrupted by neighbours who were having marital problems and etc. In the end the narrator murdered the people who were interrupting him.
I did say it was in a mystery anthology...
Amen!
Never complain about stupid people. Stupid people gave me a very comfortable life.
Mark ~ You've gone and wasted more of my time as I read this entire hubpages, since I like to complete what I start. Duh! Oh no! You've gone and done it, Stoop. Like playing hoola-hoop. Since it was such an 'outstanding' waste of time, I left you an awesome in addition to funny plus + vote. And, since this dilemma comes across so often, I shall pass along to another for their perusal. Blessings on this Friday the 13th. Maybe that's why you got all that stupid junk mail? Debby
Hi Guys - I have been away from my desk.
Pamela - it is good in a way, otherwise we might not be needed. But it is hard to keep telling yourself that.
Riaha - The average employee is I guess.. the average. Work puts us all together.
Copywriter - that sounds great, the music thing. Maybe it's good to read something like this to remind you why working in an office is so awful and what a good choice you made.
Flora - well I won't murder anyone... I suppose. No really, I won't, I have a safety valve and I used it on this page.
Dzy - seconded.
Pcunix - you are absolutely right, and I have to keep telling myself that.
Debby - the problem with office junk mail is that you can't just bin it.
I think with the exception of 3 of them, that is, are way below average, but that is just my opinion.
You know, I just thought of a perfect real-life example of this kind of incompetence interrupting people from their daily tasks.
I worked for a while at a um .. "major bakery" (which shall remain anonymous), in their accounts payable department. Technically, I was a file clerk, but I was also taught the data entry for the payment vouchers, and would even fill in when either of the actual AP ladies went on vacation.
Every year, internal auditors would come through, in late February, wanting certain files pulled from the previous year. It was usually a long list that worked its way through the entire alphabet.
By the time they would show up, the prior year's files had been archived in data boxes. (This was necessary to keep the years straight, and to make room in the file stacks.) They were still on site, but much more difficult to access, requiring lifting and sorting of boxes, and trying to get file folders in and out of the boxes, which were tightly packed.
The list would be given to me. I was expected to drop whatever I was doing, and go hunting for these folders.
It was SOOOOO hard to bite my tongue, and keep from saying, "If YOU want them, THERE are the boxes--GO FISH! I'm busy here." It was also hard to keep from asking, "If this is so all-fired important, then WHY don't you come through asking for this stuff in JANUARY, when it is still in the file stacks and easy to access?!"
It made my blood boil, and I came up with a slogan:
"If what you are doing in YOUR job causes inconvenience, interruption or difficulty to someone else trying to to THEIR job, then you are NOT DOING your job!"
(And that's MY rant! ;-) )
A very welcome rant and I hope you feel a bit better for it! I did when I unloaded.
Well Mark, it may not be the office in my case but I do live with someone who calls himself my fiance...lol
I thrive on stupid people, it's stupid people who fall for the rhetoric in my sales pages. As for politicians, I think that you would need to be pretty stupid to vote in my/your country - I'm marking my ballot paper '1', '2', '3', next time they decide to let us vote on which faction of our one party system can form the face of a dictatorship for another five years.
Took me a while to get that Cardisa...
Hi Ryan. You're right. And how come I'm too stupid to sell to stupid people? Not good. As for politics... ugh. What a mess. Let's hope the economy accidentally fixes itself.
Ryankett;
"I thrive on stupid people, it's stupid people who fall for the rhetoric in my sales pages"
Used to be 'The customer is always right.' Then, 'the customer may not always be right, but she's still the customer.'
So what, now it's 'The customer has no idea who I am when she shops online. Which makes her an idiot". ??
It's always been true in sales, that 'once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made'.
Appears that nowadays, you don't even have to have that ability. Just a bunch of sales pages filled with BS and rhetoric. A willingness to exploit 'the stupid'. And the arrogance to laugh at them.
From a safe distance, of course.
WTF? indeed.
@writeronline - It was tongue in cheek, I put a lot of effort into researching only the best products to feature on my sales sites and won't recommend anything that the market has decided is inferior. As for the "customer is always right" stuff, I assume that you have never worked as a shop assistant or cashier for a major retail chain? The customer ruined that philosophy when they started to subscribe to the "shop workers earn less than me so I am going to talk to them like a piece of dog poo on my shoe" philosophy. That probably appeared during the Reagan/Thatcher era - when the ruling elite tried to dupe the 99.9% into believing that people fall into different 'classes', and succeeded. I personally subscribe to the "most customers are horrible material driven over-consumers who care only for showing off their shiny new gadgets, apart from the occasional one, who will smile and say thank you" philosophy.
I would be happy to show you an example of one of my sales sites, and how much effort I put into ensuring the buyer makes an informed decision, but I'm not sure I could handle your critique.
Enjoyed this hub. Nice style, imo. Light and tasty...
Also noticed the interchange between ryankett and writeronline.
Ryankett, I've read a lot of your stuff. Stuff about yourself, and how much you know about SEO et al. (I'm keen to learn).
I'm surprised you'd write a comment like the one under discussion, knowing that tongue in cheek tends not to work as well in the written word. And that (as I understand it from reading advice from experts like yourself) the written word, once posted online hangs around forever. N'est pas?
Seems to me that unless any potential customer reading your supposedly tongue in cheek comment also reads your somewhat overworked backstep, you may have, what's the expression?
Crapped in your own nest?
Lesson learned for me.
Just goes to show how light hearted comment is fraught with danger. On the other hand what a boring world it would be without it.
Ryan - if in hindsight you want your comment deleted, please let me know. I'll make no comment myself - after all I just alienated my users and management if they read my latest efforts. Oh and the US. And anyone who has a problem with a gay pet I suppose.
@Mark Ewbie - No, I definitely don't want my comment deleted. My target market isn't hubpages members, my target market is search engine traffic. But many thanks for the kind offer.
@askedandanwered - The chances of a potential customer finding a page of my content via a search engine having previously stumbled across this page of content is probably lower than my chances of winning a lottery jackpot. The odds of winning the lottery jackpot in the UK are put at 1 in 24 million, just to put that into perspective.
Lol, OK, no problem Ryan. Just trying to be accommodating if needed. I have to say the chances of anyone stumbling onto one of my pages is fairly remote.
Sorry bout that Mark, I meant the bothering when busy part. He isn't quite an idiot...I think...lol
Whoops Cardisa, I just kind of assumed! For some reason my better half thinks I am an idiot.
Hilarious! You guys show how we can easily miscommunicate either by sending out the wrong message or reading it improperly. Forgiveness of "oops" and "bloopers" with the possibility of corrections makes repair possible through our speech, writing, and reading. Blessings to all, Debby ?
I am loving this thread, Mark. No one has ever asked to have their comments on my hubs deleted.
Mark, have you been doing surveillance at my office? Genius.
They're out in force again today!! I just keep gritting my teeth and saying nothing.
Ah, Mark, I hear you, I really hear you. This is exactly why I do not work in an office any more. Offices are full of Stoops. I spent my whole office life cleaning up after them, unblocking the photocopier for them, reminding them (again) how to use the records system, changing their printer cartridges for them because they were too stupid to work out how to follow the instructions on the little screen. Idiots. And the idiots I worked with were academics - the worst kind of idiots!
I clicked the beautiful button for your hub today, because I thought it was beautiful - something poetic about your expletives. The eff word is just exactly the right word to use, sometimes.
Linda.
Thanks Linda. I had wondered about the swearing, and no doubt with loftier prose I could have conveyed the sheer awfulness, but some of this writing is for my sanity and I needed a swear.
tbh I could keep a daily diary of the nonsense that goes on. Nice to know we have all been there and probably, if I am truthful, I have been one of those nuisances.
hehehehhehe
Oh, you know it's coming. I never forgave you for mocking my super awesomeness in the incomparable commentary levels of 8.
This is why I leave super long winded and otherwise bullshit comments.
Anyway, here goes:
I'm in Texas...it gets rather hot here, and we've these machines that we use to cool us off. I'm rather skilled at repairing those machines, but I hate the stupid people, of course...but it's the stupid ones that make for the most business.
I don't hate taking their money or anything - I just hate talking to them and having to pretend like they didn't cause their magic cold air machine to die in the first place.
Lots of psychology involved in repairing magical cold air machines....but not on the machines, damn you, they aren't sentient.
Most often...and exceedingly stupid, is the person who knew that their non sentient magic cold air machine wasn't working...but they left it running anyway...thinking that since it's already magical enough to make cold air in the hot Texas Summer....that the damned thing could probably fix itself too.
Never mind the fact that the people already had my phone number from previous use - we're talking blinding idiots here, the kind who's eyes suck the intelligence out of the people that they're looking at.
Bother. I figure you know what I mean....despite being sort of dull.
LOL!
I love it, I love it, I love it! You can never leave HP, you know. You are our over the top satirical comedy channel. Great stuff. :)
Hi Wesman, Mr.Level 8. Yes, of course they would leave it running, even though it was making that "turn me off now" sound. Hitting stuff works too. If there are air vents then they should be blocked, and any service requirements ignored.
Of course the worst user is a clever one. Then they don't need you.
Phdast7 - thanks. Not aware I am leaving but I'll keep an eye on my email.
I use foul language often. Swear words help you convey certain messages much better than being a wuss. However, I am not as popular as you on HP, so I have to pretend to be nice for the moment
I swear freely and proudly offline, it's all part of the language. But online, I'm less sure.
Pamela N Red Level 6 Commenter 4 months ago
The world is full of idiots. I used to think I wasn't very smart until I got out into the real world and now realize I'm pretty darn smart after all. Just don't ask me to do any math, that's what calculators are for anyway.