Shakespeare is Gay

This article about the gayness or otherwise of William Shakespeare was written in despair.

Despair because I just don't get him.

On the plus side by referring to him as gay, and I mean that in a writing crap sense rather than any sexual preferences he might have had, I can get a tiny bit of own back.

Yes, it is very childish.

However, in my defence, if Mr. Bloody Shakespeare had been forced to study my work for three years, he might have been tearing his hair out too.

So, I thought it was only fair to call him gay and write a piece that mocks him and his appalling writing.

The article starts just below. It is not gay at all.

Mark is head of Languistics and Cloakulisms at Harvard having graduated from Cambridge University in 1983.

His most recently article was “WTF does Acrostic Mean – Why Use Difficult Words?” published in the Oxford English Journal.

Widely read, and still more widely written – he is one of the foremost scholars in the writing educationary stuff about Shakespeare niche.

The following work by Dr. Ewbie is a reference to help new students start thinking about what they read, not just to parrot the teacher and pass an exam. In fact many of our students don’t pass any exams and our new teaching no longer relies on that outdated pre internet way of thinking.

Qualifications are the fascism of an older era. Free your writers mind.

So anyway, listen up and pay some respect to the main writer man. Mark that is. Not Bill.

Hey Bill! We all write stuff you know – yet you lay in your grave listening to generations saying how wonderful you are.

Man, I’m busting my balls here creating quality stuff and there’s no one (yet) saying how great a dude I am.

So how come everyone is like listen to this wise old guy and saying I’m not churning out literature. Oh, it’s JUST a web page is it? Not really fantastic prose or sonnet whatever.

At least my stuff is spelt right and if I do do a poem, which I don’t – but if I did – then at least it would rhyme and make some kind of sense.

And, Mr. William Beardy guy, it would be up to date. Not some hundred year old witticism that a few servants to the Queen, or King (whatever), thought was so hilarious they made you a Bard. Actually I checked out Bard, didn’t know what it meant before – and it just says ‘professional poet’.

So that ain’t no big deal mate – we can all write stuff for money you know.

See, professional poetry bard stuff is what Adsense is all about but like you don’t even know what a computer is!

What?

Like puzzletastic.

We moved on from pens made out of feathers a long time back mate.

Simple fact as well is that brains have got a lot bigger since you were around – probably twice the size – so don’t try to tell me that ‘bard’ stuff is better than what I’m writing.

Thing is – you may be popular now for some of those high minded la-di-da professor educated types, plus a few geeky hangers on – but in another hundred years the real deal is going to be pages like mine. That’s because you are a paper type of guy and I’m internet enabled.

There’s a world of difference.

At least I split stuff up and put some headings in man.

Give the old peelers a chance to recover. No wonder half the country was blind or mad in your day – all that reading.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah – suspect internet analogy…

For a start when someone searches for something then Google corrects their spelling. And half your stuff is words that you must have just made up. Or can’t spell right. So you won’t even get a look in, search speaking, mate.

No traffic, no Globe theatre (I looked that up on Wiki), no Bard, no knighthood. I’m assuming you did get knighted unless it was the same as now where it’s just premiership footballers and celebrities.

And for another – people don’t read so much now. They’ll scan a page and pick bits out they like. You just dump a whole load of verbals and don’t do no editing at all as far as I can see. It’s sloppy and lazy.

All right, I expect people were impressed way back then or they were forced to listen to it ‘cause of Kings rules and that. Probably got their heads chopped off if they said “this is boring crap” so they just applauded, went home and watched something decent on cable.

If you were just starting out now on your so called writing career path and competing with YouTube, man, you’d have no chance at all.

Where you go wrong is it just isn’t snappy enough. I can manage to read about half a page if I really concentrate but then I lose the will to live. You need to go bang, bang, bang – make more of whatever talent you have.

Anyway, it’s obviously too late for you now, and as soon as the school gig runs out you’re finished.

Seems it takes the education system two hundred years before they cotton on that there might be something better, funnier, newer come along – so we’ll see which one of us is being read at grade 3 in another century or two.

I’ve borrowed one of your apparently famous speeches and improved it a bit to show you how.

Didn’t bother with the whole thing because I still have a life, unlike you of course. It’s the one everyone knows the beginning of - yet strangely not the end. Ever wonder why that might be?

Because they switch off, move on – we don’t just run a printing press every Sunday afternoon anymore.

To be, or not to be (oh yes): that is the question - lol:

Whether it is indubitably nobler in one’s mind to suffer, endure or be subject to

The slings, arrows and WMD of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms in a democratic and peaceful manner against a sea of troubles (mainly Iran),

And by opposing end them (ed: not sure what this means – edit later)?

To die: to sleep; to text; to email;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. (ed: spelling?)

Rest of this terminally long speech cut as it’s a bit on the boring side. A sort of filibuster in drama terms. You could probably fit an ad break in the middle and no one would mind.

I tried to work with it Bill, but to be honest my heart wasn't in it. I'm not hooked in enough, I don't buy the story. If I was around at the same time as you I'd probably have offered some tips before you started, so as to save you a lot of wasted effort.

Ah dramatic isn’t it? You see Bill, keep it short and keep them coming.

How many books do you sell now?

That’s right – not many. Even when dudes like me give you a hand with the merchandising.

Romeo and Juliet – about three books a year.

Drowning Hamster video – 10 million hits.

Bill, you do the math.

And here’s a bit more math for you Bill. This piece is pretty much bang on 1,000 words. Optimised for search engines, back linked until my fingers ache and targeted at a certain type of reader.

We’ll let the future, not the past, decide who is the most successful.

Your friends probably think you are a bit of a waster, wandering through the internet looking for funnies and porn.

Show them that’s not completely true by sharing a bit of high brow for a change instead of the usual.

Might get more respect if they know you read stuff by professor types and all that.

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