Could My Pet Be Gay?

This essential page for the modern pet owner is about the problems posed by their animals orientation.

Many people will say "I think my dog is a bit odd" or if they have a cat they will say the same thing but replacing the word dog with cat.

Some will be too ashamed to confront the issue and deal with it by pretending the pet belongs to someone else.

How often have you looked at a neighbour's animal and wished that your own dog could be more like his?

That he might want to chase balls and bite people rather than mooning around the house listening to the Scissor Sisters?

I know from my own experience with a pet of this sort that this can lead to a great deal of shame among friends.

Hiding the creature in a closet when people come round. Pretending that it died or has been given to a passing traveller for company.

This page is dedicated to the fine work of a specialist Gay Pet treament center, run by Doctor Frikker, an expert if ever there was one.

Please note.

This page is not a dating site.

I appreciate some people may come here to investigate these important matters from a dating angle.

Please be aware that this page is about curing the problem, not encouraging it.

If you want to frolic in an unnatural way with other people then I suggest you look elsewhere - rather than this serious and informative piece on treatment solutions.

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My Background

First a bit about me. I am a qualified veterinary practitioner with many years experience in treating gay pets.

Initially I was an ordinary vet, but realised there was a boom market in playing on people’s homophobia, and got in quickly and early – as they say in these parts.

So we set up our Big Boy Pet Wellness Clinic and have been busy solving gayness pet wise ever since. Covering livestock, fish, birds, reptiles and animals - we are now the number one gay treatment facility in West Texas.

In fact we are the only one left now since the protesters closed down the other two. Apparently these people think gay should be allowed to flourish until the whole world is overrun with such creatures.

We are fortunate to have our own security staff and will continue this essential service for worried owners. Less competition for us, but more protection for you as our service continues to expand.

So, if you are rightly concerned or worried about your gay pet, please read on.

Next to “my animal is unwell”, we find concerns over gay behaviour to be top of most people’s list when it comes to their animal worries.

Who to treat? The owner or the pet?

The pet of course – I jest, in a slightly gay manner.

Don’t be alarmed – I haven’t become gay by mixing with gay animals. Oh no. In any case that theory has long been discredited – there is no physical harm of gay to the owner – it is not transmittable between species.

No, owners are concerned by what people think. Right thinking people may assume the owner is gay as well, if they spot gay behaviour in their pet. That may lead to persecution or even ostracism (where the head is placed in a bucket of sand).

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Gayness in pets is the number one cause of dumped animals. Act now. Before it’s too late.

It’s a shocking fact that on the surface many seemingly straight pets are actually well gay.

They may do normal animal things but there are tell tale signs for the observant and worried owner.

• Does your cat purr and like to sit in warm places?
• Does your dog lick or bury his bone?
• Does your horse like to be ridden hard, and bareback?
• Does your hamster (edit later – I don’t know what hamsters do)
• Do your fish swim together?

Yes, even fish can be treated, with a course of our “I’m Not Gay” fish pellets.

Anyway, they’re all probably gay, just look at them.

It’s surprising how many pets are brought to us by owners who mistakenly think they are gay when in fact they are not and no treatment is therefore required.

That’s right - it’s none.

In all cases the owner has already correctly diagnosed dubious behaviour and made the right decision to seek expert help.

It’s fortunate we have such astute owners visiting us. So our professional analysis of the problem will usually consist of a chat between us, and perhaps a quick glance at the unlucky creature.

I try to avoid direct contact with the actual animal itself as I have a mite allergy.

Once pronounced gay officially and the level of behaviour has been determined then we can proceed to the treatment phase, or sentence as I jokingly call it. This genuine fake sincere bedside manner seems to go down well with the owners.

At the Big Boy Pet Wellness Center we offer a range of treatments.

These are mainly based on homopathic (ed: surely homeopathic?) remedies - with the additional option of a course of patented electro shock therapy as pioneered in our associated Guantanamo Treatment facility (we call it shock and paw).

These treatments are not cheap.

• Cheap doesn’t fix gay.
• Cheap returns to gay behaviour.

Other vets will diagnose an inexpensive course of pills and within months the animal will be back to their old ways. We use a potent mix of Chinese herbs using a formula known only to a sect of Buddhist monks, who are equally concerned about this modern plague.

“Expensive but proven” is our motto and we stand by our record of curing gay pets, and our legal representatives also stand by it.

Some pet owners do suffer terribly from the stigma of being associated with a well gay pet.

We are often asked by these people whether neutering would help. We have a fairly strict professional line on this.

Only under very special circumstances will we offer to neuter an owner - and that is when we feel they are a particularly deserving case.

Although gayness pet wise can be a real concern it can be dealt with.

Some people will say that the sexual orientation (don’t they use big words when they’re bulling you?) is no big deal and that “all animals have a right to be treated equally”.

Lol. Yeah right.

As a qualified person, in a non legal sense, I can assure you they are wrong.

If left untreated, gay pets will lead to a total breakdown in pet society, resulting in corruption of our younger pets and an increased awareness of Kylie Minogue.

I hope this information has helped you reinforce some stereotypes and be as determined as we are to root out this cancer in our pet society.

As we say in these parts – let’s keep the big gay horse in the barn.

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