Wedding Write Ups – Humor for Your Perfect Day

Hi there.

We all know how special your wedding day is and how it is recorded by video and camera.

What if a top writer, that’s me by the way, could add to the sense of occasion by doing a glitzy Hello magazine style report on your wedding, from ceremony through to the reception?

A piece of your history, documented for yourselves as your memories fade and for your future generations too.

Something you can put on your own Facebook page as a memento, or perhaps mail to your local newspaper as a completed quality article they will be sure to want to print.

Many happy couple have already benefited from my presence at their special day, not only for the story but because I am able to mingle unobtrusively. Not furtively, that would be wrong – and I am, or will be, registered with the relevant authorities.

So your kids are safe!

At least they will be safe with me - not that they will be with me at all of course.

Anyway, I hope that’s all clear.

Many people these days get their best man speeches written for them on the internet and this wedding day reportage is simply an extension of that type of service.

The way I like to work is to pretend to be a guest. Whichever side – bride or groom – can assume I am with the others, and this enables me to get close among your friends.

To find out what they are really saying about you – the nice and the not so nice.

You’d be surprised how many newly married couples want to hear the dirt being dished about them by their so called friends.

None at all, as it happens – but the offer is there for an extra fifty dollars if required.

I will report on all aspects – the venue, the guests, the food, reception and of course – the mother-in-laws.

Only joking. You can have a variety of angles on the reporting as detailed below.

The Prestige Package covers the event from the angle of a blessed happy day. All words in my thousand word article will be positive about the manner of your joining together.

The Standard Package is slightly more honest, but will still try to report the event as being wholly happy and well planned.

The Satirical Package will look at the wedding from a world weary jaundiced point of view. Ideal for those who don’t really expect the charade to last too long.

The Economy Package includes one photo, a paragraph each about him and her, and a first class knob gag.

I expect to be in attendance through the ceremony and the reception. If nuptials are to be included in the coverage then a discretionary surcharge is payable depending on the fitness of the bride or groom. Can I remind you that I don't swing both ways for free however.

I need my costs of travel, plus hotel accommodation, plus hire of suitable clothes to be reimbursed.

Prestige comes in at about $2500.

Standard $1500.

Satirical $3000. This is high because believe me I will do a real job on the day. I’m an artist.

Economy $500.

In these difficult times the idea of employing an ex-alcoholic hack to hang around your wedding and insult your guests may seem a little extravagant.

But I put it you – how can you NOT afford it?

This day, the joining of two young, or middle aged, people in relatively Holy matrimony – is one of the greatest days of your life.

Why would anyone choose to scrimp on that little extra memory which will last for a lifetime?

The reporting provided will be an heirloom to pass to your children, and their children, and their (ed: get on with it) children – who will be fascinated to read about the day their parents, or grandparents, etc. – got hitched.

I know that if only my parents had shelled out on such a service, had it been available, I would spend every evening reading those fine words about their wonderful day.

In more practical terms you may be able to sell the article to your local press, although I wouldn’t claim that in any legal sense of occasion.

Sometimes the bride and the groom will want to pay extra for separate reporting of the grand occasion.

There are clear benefits to this in case of future problems.

I can easily report from the bride’s point of view or the husband – depending on the size of the cheque of course. Lol, smiley face and happy thoughts to you both though if you go for the cheapskate option.

In terms of credit - the bill can be paid in two small and manageable sums, and a further ten rather more crippling ones. Believe me, compared to the instant cost of married life this will be the least of your financial worries.

Note: I have condensed this for reasons of space. The removed stuff is exactly what you would expect, bland and congratulatory.

May 2003. Mr. Fumphrey-Hongleton and Eliza Bellingham Carter were married today at the Chapel of Sister Agnes. The bride was attended and the groom wore a simple suit rented from the local Fancy Dress Costumiers. The flowers for the occasion were lilac and they complemented the bruising around the best man’s face. That was some stag party that’s for sure!

There were a couple of pretty hot bridesmaids, and a frumpy one from the groom’s side of the family.

There was one small disturbance during the reception when the more fearsome of the mother-in-laws made a comment that was not taken well by the nicer one. No punches were thrown and they agreed not to speak for the remainder of the marriage, and to undermine their respective child’s partner for ever more – as is the tradition.

In a surprise announcement the bride made it clear that she had only got married for the sake of her forthcoming child. This was followed by an admission that it is probably not the groom’s.

Reportage provided by Mark Ewbie Wedding Services..

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