Funny Story about a Barbecue and Article Writing

I first joined HubPages on July 3rd 1986.

I was attending a barbecue where some of the top people in business were discussing the way forward.

The sausages and lettuce had been slung onto paper plates and handed out, along with some more of the potent home made punch which had left the host not entirely sober.

“Thish ish a great Idea” he mumbled into my ear. “Get rich writing” and with that he fell into the flower border.

I balanced the etiquette – finish sausage or rescue host – but fortunately a couple of drunks, or HubPages staff as they were later to become, rescued him.

He reappeared at my shoulder.

“Have you noticed how the charcoal gives it a unique taste?” he said.

I had, but was surprised he wanted to draw attention to it. Having tried and given up dipping the sausage in the punch to cover the “unique taste” - I had asked one of the ladies there if she knew where I could hide my sausage.

Her answer was surprisingly rude. Apparently she knew of no such place that would accept my sausage, and every other word was preceded by a swear word. Impressive, but not helpful. She’s an Elite nowadays.

In the end I put it back on the barbecue.

Phew I thought.

Paul reappeared (yes we were on first name terms) , spotted my empty plate and said “you must try one of these, it’s all in the charcoal you know” and gave me my sausage back.

Over canapés later we discussed the plans in more detail. I don’t know if you’ve had canapés before, I hadn’t.

It involved putting several cigarette papers together and filling with herbal mix to make something that looked like a cheap Olympic Torch. This canapé was passed around as we chatted.

I wish dear reader I could say “I did not inhale”. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the next twenty five years writing for HubPages if I had declined.

The intoxicating effect of the canapé, the persuasive eloquence of the pitch – I signed up at the end of the evening.

Apparently, I was now a writer.

Paul had spotted something in me, a talent I didn’t know I possessed and was giving me the chance to spread my wings. This wing spreading involved writing sales pages for charcoal. We’d fly post a neighbourhood and wait for telephone orders. No internet back then you see.

When the orders came in we’d load up the lorry, Paul drove, and I’d stagger up paths with sacks of some dodgy Chinese charcoal. We’d do one area and then move on.

Saturday evenings those places used to stink.

Eventually my back gave out, the internet was invented and Paul had another barbecue. We had long stopped talking, but he sent me an invite anyway. I had nothing better to do.

On arrival he greeted me like a long lost staff.

“Mark! You must try one of these sausages – talk later”.

Ah yes, later, when the canapés come out I thought and made a mental note to stay sober. My plan was going fine until the Chocolate Cake arrived. I like chocolate cake, as did the others who were saying things like “Man, you gotta try Paul’s cake – it’s REALLY far out”.

Well, I had a piece, it was a bit lumpy, and an hour later fell into the flower border.

I’ve never seen a helping hand with a contract to be signed in it before, but there’s always a first time for these things in life. I signed, he helped me up and I staggered home.

The following day I read the contract. I’m not a lawyer, or even a good reader, and there were some very long words in it. Plus a web address. I logged in and checked it out.

“How about writing a Page” it said. So I wrote about something. “How about writing a Page” it said. So I wrote something else. “How about writing a Page” it said, again.

I rang Paul on the number shown on the legal thing.

Someone answered. “What?” they said. “The software is stuck in a loop” I explained. “Not loop, repeat, write more, make money” they replied and hung up. And that was pretty much it.

Since that day I have written countless pieces and earned a not inconsiderable amount of money. Nothing basically.

Paul bought a new barbecue. I hear he still has parties, but I don’t go any more. I’m too busy writing.

If you have received an invite then by all means go. But don’t consume anything apart from the sausages. Once you have acquired the taste – they’re not so bad.

It's all in the charcoal you know.