Funny Tips on Visiting London

With the 2012 Olympics coming up, plus a fantastic history and traffic jams - London is the place to visit.

Despite astronomical prices, rude inhabitants, rubbish tourist attractions and a Victorian sewage system aka the Tube - it might be the perfect place to send your wife or mother-in-law on a mini break.

For a vacation or stopover, maybe a weekend trip you need to inform yourself with this excellent travel guide for adventurous explorers and pilgrims everywhere.

From swimming with dolphins in the Thames, through a hair greying trip on the world's slowest roller-coaster (the London Eye) to having a cup of tea with the Queen in Harrods All You Can Eat Spud And Cabbage Buffet there is much more to London than the Blitz and Boris Johnson.

Wander down Carnaby Street and see if you can spot the Beatles or Peter Sellers driving one of their famous 'mini cars'. Or come right up to date with the latest in techno grunge rap hip hopsters in any one of the cities three nightclubs.

Here are some tips for the intrepid international traveller or even the local day-tripper.

London’s Heathrow airport is one of the most modern in the world. Aeroplanes can land and take off there on the fine long runway which was recently reseeded. You can reach your destination in London City within three days using the high speed shuttle service - and with a bit of luck your baggage will join you before the return home.

Should your bags disappear en route they will be transferred to the historic left luggage holding centre where specially trained employees, or crooks as we call them, will sift through the contents for anything of value.

The runway is closed on Sundays to allow the Queen’s polo ponies to graze and the other local airports - Luton and Gatwick run a half day service every other Thursday.

We don’t have a subway in England. It’s called the Tube. A clanking, random, sweaty mode of transport – it is a miracle that it works at all. But it does. One of the delights to be sampled in London is at 7pm when the London Underground closes for the night, and you are the last person on the platform or killing zone.

Whose are those footsteps echoing down the corridors? Jack the Ripper?

After the Brixton riots of 1981 the Royals were toppled and replaced by a collection of D list celebrities voted for by the successful rioters. They have since settled into Buckingham Palace and are much loved.

Never say anything against the New Royal Family when in London - all English people are under orders to love them and are watched by the much feared security service for careless words.

Since the stream lining of patient care, i.e. the closing of hospitals, all mentalists are now free to mix within the community. The patients, or Cockneys, as they are known, will usually identify themselves by uttering a stream of incomprehensible gibberish. This will involve the repeated use of the phrase “apples and pears”.

Do not under any circumstances attempt to engage them in conversation. It will lead to Britney. Britney Spears. Tears.

Excuse me while I go for a Brad.

Much like the American Baseball World Series, the croquet equivalent is played between two teams from neighbouring villages. The whole of England stops while this seven day event is on, and it is streamed live in HD by Sky on the single available televisual channel.

The English people learn this game from an early age; it is part of the compulsory education for school children . The top players earn small fortunes, and their wives and prostitutes often appear in Hello magazine.

If you are coming to England - get some practice in first.

The UK was connected to the internet in 2009. It is believed that as many as fifty people may use it on a regular basis. Based at Bletchley Park, visitors are reminded that a two pin plug and some sticky tape hold the whole thing together – so remember to save those longer emails regularly!

We also invented the language of the internet. Just as well, because the English refuse to speak anything else.

There are plenty of these throughout the capital city. They are known more formally as streets or public places. Women visitors should remember to take a she pee.

The English believe they are superior to all foreigners, especially Americans. They are embarrassed by this and therefore act in an inferior manner. This can be very confusing.

Even when annoyed or distressed by a lack of tea they will still be polite.

Don't fall for it. And don't try to understand. It makes no sense.

Much as you might wear a backward facing baseball cap in order to visit the Vatican (Pope City), it is important to purchase a bowler hat on entry to the UK. These are available at any high quality airport gift shop for only thirty eight English pounds for a plastic one, along with the red telephone box (now gone), the red pillar box (soon going) and the red bus (cancelled).

Although English heritage has largely fallen into disrepair or been sold off to the Middle East - be assured that visitors will be able to buy all these souvenirs as they exit through the Gifte Shoppe at Terminal 5.

Two sugars, milk, PG Tips and hot water.

A foul warm liquid that is the national drink.

Never refuse a cup of tea; this would give great offence to a little Englander.

Never drink right to the bottom either.

The same name is applied to the custom of having a snack at precisely 16:00 daily.

The only food on offer will be scones (a hard doughy indeterminate cake mix), jam and cream.

This will be accompanied by more bloody tea served from a ludicrously expensive china pot in very small china cups. If a person is making this for you in their home, which is highly unlikely, they will mutter frequently “one per person and one for the pot”.

Pretend to be wildly amused by this quaint custom and don’t touch the scones.

When encountering an English person who is attempting to walk through the same gap as you they will stop and say “after you”. This action may be accompanied by exaggerated hand gestures and / or bowing. This does not mean you can continue. That would be the height of rudeness and could lead to a fight or even worse, a loud ahem.

You must halt immediately and say “after you”. The English person will then say “oh no, after you”. Do not go. It’s an etiquette trap. The English spend all their lives practicing this. They will always win.

England is positioned ideally within the temperate zones. A gentle warm breeze will start the day, with Mediterranean temperatures for the late morning and afternoon. Evenings are warm but then cooling sufficiently for a good nights sleep. We don’t have air con.

The summer season lasts from March to November, and it should be a pleasant arrival at Heathrow in your shorts, novelty t-shirt and sandals.

We are proud of our Parliamentary system. In the old days the people were governed by rich aristocrats who cruelly taxed the peasants and made them fight in their wars. Now we get to vote for which rich aristocrat governs us.

The visitor to London may want to see the Houses of Parliament, and can get within twenty miles before being detained for ten weeks under Ye Olde Terrorism laws. You may win a free holiday in Egypt for a couple of years.

Tip: do not use your camera anywhere.

Practice muttering these to yourself. The idea is not to directly address anyone and you don't need to know the precise meaning.

• Pardon me
• Excuse me
• Sorry
• I do apologise
• It's all my fault
• No please don't bother
• Dreadfully sorry
• How awful
• After you
• Bloody tourists

England welcomes visitors and we hope you enjoy your stay. We may moan about you coming here, being here, your lack of manners and the fact that you are foreign – but it would be nice to have a visitor and we really, really need the money.

See you soon! Toodle pip.

edit: Oh. If you really read this far down, and are beginning to suspect I don't know what I am talking about (how jolly rude), then here is an alternative travel guide.