My Worst Ever Stand Up Routine at The Twilight Comedy Club

Everyone seems to be writing pages for Twilight at the moment…

Probably only Twilight will ‘get’ this but I don’t mind. He may not get it at all, but I don’t mind that either . It’s a gift you can accept or ignore – but I love writing, had some time, and… you know the rest.

It was his idea that I might become a comedian, albeit one with no visible jokes. So I wondered how that might work out in the real world rather than on paper.

…

Taken from a recent guest slot at the Conservative Club ‘comedy store night’ – here is a transcription of Mark Ewbie’s stand up routine.

There are about fifty people watching, mostly of pensionable age with a few other wannabe comedians either waiting in the wings or drowning their sorrows. It’s about ten in the evening.

Compere: “Ok there – settle down. That wasn’t the greatest turn in history but give the lad a chance. Not many sign language comics out there and he sure did his best. Now we turn to the low spot of evening (laughter) as we check out the new guy in town. He’s tall, he’s mad, he’s flatulent, he’s bad – it’s Mr. Mark nnnnnnnn Ewbie “ (sparse applause as Mark enters the stage)

En route to centre stage, Mark explains to the promoter that he’s not really bad or flatulent – and that he tends to do wry stories with a gentle humo… he’s on!

The audience ‘participation’ is shown in italics.

Hello Newton! (silence)

I said – Heeeelllo NEWTON!!!

piss off – (laughter)

Ok, OK, settle down – I mean calm down dears.

I may be a Ewbie, but I’m not a Newbie!!! (you could hear a pin drop).

Hmmm. Tough crowd in tonight. Guys... please.

I'm known as a bit of a raconteur. That's a high class way of saying wanker really... but I prefer the raconteur description.

You wanker! (laughter)

Is anyone here from Wigan? (silence)

Anyone from Dundee? (silence – glasses clinking – a murmur of chatter)

OK, I’ll do the Wigan joke then. It’s funnier than the Dundee one – although if it goes well we could…

Hecklers (plural): Get on with it

A funny thing happened to me on the way to Wigan (audible groaning). I don't mean really funny, I mean quirky but on balance you could call it funny. I can't tell you exactly what happened because elements of it are still sub judice but heck... it sure was funny. I can't go back to Wigan again due to...

You won't be coming here again either you f... (drowned out by applause)

At this point Mark pauses. The walls are closing in, his practiced spiel doesn't work off paper and his Mum was lying when she said she quite liked some of it.

You know that feeling you get when you want to do a really big fart? (silence, small amount of interest)

When, er, your butt cheeks are under such tremendous pressure that, um,

You’re rubbish

… your ass might explode?

Well ,no, sadly that didn’t happen. In fact it was generally uneventful.

F--- off

Look guys – I’m trying my breast here. (pauses – no response).

Isn’t it awful what happened to the Titanic? (silence)

I guess some of you lot were lucky to escape? (at this point the bar is quite busy)

Hey guys – stop rearranging the deckchairs over there and let’s get cracking in a comedic sense.

(Something is thrown, it doesn’t smell good)

The compere intervenes.

“Ok people, not much longer and then we have the stripper – another five minutes – sorry for the delay”. To me. “For Christ sakes tell a f------ joke will you?”

...

Mark continues... bravely...

Those f------ Germans, eh? What a bunch of bastards. If I ever see a German I’d say up yours matey. (some interest)

Those bloody Japanese, eh? With their stupid cars and nuclear things? Do you know how to tell a Japanese how to get lost? Stick the bloody fingers up!!!! (someone claps)

What’s funnier than a Welshman shagging a sheep? A Welshman FARTING and SHAGGING a sheep (laughter).

If I got all those bloody benefit claimants in a line – do you know what I’d do?

What?

I’d f------ kill them and nick their benefit! (cheering)

Bollocks!! (cheering and laughing)

Bloody great big bollocks farting!!! (hysteria breaks out – some older members gasping for breath)

OK folks – you’ve been great – I’ve been Mark Ewbie – the gentle wry, I mean, full on mad and flatulent local comic. (applause)

Compere “and that was Mark nnnnn Ewbie – should go far with that material, remember where you first saw him. Now here’s Sheila the Sultress…”