Ten Funny Fart Gags and Jokes

Before I list what are undoubtedly the most side splitting or possibly ass splitting, flatulence gags available on the net – I need to explain the circumstances that have brought me to this new level.

I had harboured hopes of advancing my writing in terms of creativity and meaning.

Of tackling some more off the wall subjects using an element of humour, but also other stuff like pathos and similar (don’t have thesaurus to hand at present).

Although I am apparently a humorist, it doesn’t mean that everything has to be funny. Indeed the whole point of being a humorist is that it isn’t particularly funny – it (the writing) is laid out in a slightly quirky, perhaps unexpected, way.

Sadly, that is not what the web world seeks. “Find me a mild mannered piece of comedic writing” is a term rarely entered via Google. “I’m looking for a quirky piece without any real jokes” is similarly unusual. And I will confess that I only have two search terms I use regularly – “porn” and “jokes”.

Oh, and “Amazon Inflatable Dinghy” which is a bit of research I’m doing for my sales pages.

Anyway, the above should give you an idea of where I usually pitch my writing product, slightly to the side of any popular surf tide. Let’s just say that the Google servers do not have a lot of trouble coping with the traffic I generate.

Hence this page. Fart jokes. That’s where it’s at.

Rather than just rip some really good ones off the internet though I have decided to craft my own. I mean, how hard can it be? Just the word is funny, so if I put it in a sentence then that will probably… enough internal angst.

Here are your gags.

Actually I’m cheating here. I vaguely remember this one from my school days.

I had been eating a mixture of baked beans (wait for this it’s hilarious, we all know about beans – gas wise) and BB pellets all day.

Then I bent over, farted, and killed the cat.

This gag does not stand up to deconstruction. For a start why would you be eating BB pellets? And, assuming you were dressed it is unlikely that the force of a fart could penetrate your clothing sufficiently to harm an animal. Otherwise we could all be in trouble.

Edit: Now I remember. It wasn’t BB pellets. It was hazelnuts. It relies on the assumption you swallowed them whole, rather than masticating thoroughly.

Have you ever been stuck in a lift?

Me neither.

They normally just work, apart from in films.

Anyway, for the sake of this, assume I got stuck in a lift.

I was in this lift, it got stuck, and all of a sudden there was a terrible smell. I looked around to see who had done it, and I was the only one in there.

Probably a fear reaction.

Another of those have you ever things. Mostly we haven’t but as we paid a ticket to see this comic we pretend we have.

Have you ever shared a seat on a bus with someone who farts from the beginning of the journey all the way through to the end? I did the other day. I shared a seat with someone who farted all the way through the journey. It was horrible. I nearly said something, but I didn’t want to open my mouth.

Caveat. I don’t use public transport. Partly for that reason.

What arrives with the turkey and continues through the afternoon?

Excessive flatulence.

Imagine if you will that I fart a lot, possibly due to poor diet or maybe something more serious.

I am so worried by this that I seek medical help.

Thus far it is not very funny, even though the essential ingredient is there.

I went to see my doctor and explained that I have a lot of trouble with wind. He suggested I buy a sou'wester.

Tip: If you know what a sou’wester is this joke is slightly funnier.

One solution to flatulence (farting) has been proposed by Nasa scientists who are worried about the effect on morale aboard the space station. All those Russians, all that bratwurst. (ed: do they eat bratwurst?)

At a cost of nearly three billion pounds they have developed the Lunar Cork which is shaped for each astronaut’s requirements. At the first sign of gas being emitted they take two of these and insert in their nostrils.

They had originally worked on a single cork solution for the other end of the flatulent astronaut, or fartonaut - but an unfortunate prior incident where the cork became dislodged during a meeting with the President lost them some valuable funding.

“Let it out in space – meet the Pres with grace” is the motto for the cork team.

How many more of these to go? I wonder in rising desperation. Oh, I’m on number seven – that’s not too bad.

The word fart is funny. Farter is funny. Farting, farted and fart a lot are funny. Let’s put them together…

Mr. Fart farted his way down Farty Street. Fart, fart, fart he went. The farter he travelled, the more he farted.

I’ve lost interest in that. It doesn’t work for me. If I can’t make the ten otherwise I’ll leave it in, else it’s gone.

Edit: I had to leave it in. Sorry about that. I’ll add some more fart words when I can be bothered.

Phew! Just remembered an old one that I genuinely like.

Dinner party. Man farts. Other man says “How dare you fart in front of my wife”.

First man says “Sorry, I didn’t realise it was her turn”.

I looked up funny fart gags on the net. This one spoke to me.

Is it plagiarism to just nick it? Or reword it? Or quote it?

Do I have to give them a link back, because they probably stole it anyway?

I’ll just go for it.

I mean, a joke is a joke right? We all repeat jokes, use them as our own, add in our personalisation to make it, er, personal? Most of what I do is fairly original, so just this once maybe.

Look. I’ll just tell it, like I were repeating a joke in a pub.

Man goes to pick up girlfriend from parents house. He waits while she gets ready. Him, parents and dog in the room. Dog sits next to him on sofa. Man lets out a small fart. Wife says “Get down boy”. Phew thinks man, they blamed the dog. Lets out a bit more. Wife repeats “Get down boy, now”. Man lets the rest go. Wife says “Get down boy, before he craps on you as well”.

In my opinion that’s probably the funniest. Should be number one or ten, depending on the sequence. Still, number nine is pretty good, if we are building up to the best ever. As it happens, we are not.

Yeah I counted so no complaints on how many there were. As for funny – well who’s to judge?

Anyway, here goes with my final effort. It’s another unfunny one because I adapted it for my purposes.

There was an American, a Pakistani, an Irishman and an Egyptian – all sat in a bar farting.

What a great example of racial integration.

I’ll admit that these are probably not the top ten anything. But they are fart based and this is the internet. So in terms of my conscience, and effort made – I can live with myself.

As development of the internet continues I am hopeful that there will one day be a FaceBook Fart button – that you can press and make a pleasing sound through your computer speakers. It will be a comment on internet authors and their content offering.

For now though, sadly, you can only Share it although I don’t expect you to do that. Once again I have written too much and missed the instant gratification point.

One day though I hope to be as popular as a fart in a lift story.