Sexual Mystic Spiritual Zodiac Tantric Karma Healing Secrets of the Crystal Tarot

A spiritually uplifting experience, this page records the hidden secrets of a recently discovered ancient Mayan manuscript.

These words are so powerful that you must check your chakras before reading further. If your entry points are not fully open, please to return in three hours time.

The first thing to note is that you have already felt the force. By entering some words and searching you were somehow drawn to this page out of a choice of millions. Sceptics will claim this is simply the result of some dodgy SEO techniques but they know nothing.

Fact: Cynics and unbelievers live shorter, more miserable lives.

Second fact: by reading this text you will have the opportunity to enrich yourself physically, mentally and financially. Only a sad sceptic would use the back arrow at this point.

The three hedonistic secrets of the Elements were spoken of in the Tantric Love Essays of Professor Frikker, eminent proto-psychologist and partially reformed sex offender.

In 1890, he was travelling through Ancient Egypt, or Modern Egypt as they used to call it. He was accompanied by a voluptuous female companion who was a well fit therapeutic magnet practitioner and freelance cult organiser. Together they were searching for the perfect script of which there had been rumours for many centuries.

It was reputed to be of such power that those reading it would immediately fall under its power, and it could grant good or bad Karma with barely a glance. The scroll or tablet (who knew?) was last heard of in the Land of the Pharisees (or Nubile Sand World) and that was where Frikker and his partner headed.

The journey of knowledge enabled them to enter many places - some known to man and some only to beast - and it was with a sense of exhausted relief that they finally stumbled on the object of their pursuit. Some bartering with the locals - beads and other objects of forbidden pleasure were exchanged - and they were able to hold the one truth in their hands at last.

On return to England this was hidden away for many years, until through penury and misfortune, perhaps the result of a curse, the good Doctor was required to sell his most treasured belonging.

And now I have it in my possession…

Dear Reader, I have looked after these writings for many years now, and with the dawn of the internet age am privileged to share them with you. But a word of caution. Please do not be tempted to mock or misconstrue – many tragedies have visited upon the souls of those who have doubted what they saw.

In addition, my lawyers are also ever present; in a worldlier role should they be required. Normally plague and pestilence are sufficient but if court action or a restraining order is also required – then so be it.

I cannot copy the text exactly because it is forbidden, and my keyboard doesn’t do Sanskrit. I can only provide elements of it as a messianic translator – but this will be enough to persuade you of the truth.

Greetings to you and may blessings rain upon your soul. You have been chosen as the keeper of these words, and you will guard them with your life. In this, the second age of man, these precious writings will keep your life blood flowing freely and will prevent the colossal beetle of the scarab from pupating.

You will gain much health, wealth and a penis I think this should be happiness from reading this script, and from passing it on to two or more followers. As they pass it on, then your standing will be increased many fold, until you reach the highest level of Karma.

In return – you will honour this text. You will every day disport yourself unclothed in the yoga position known as the Holy Guacamole, where you will gain pleasure and knowledge from studying your third eye.

The remainder of the text has been erased by years of desert sand storms, but I am sure you feel better already from the inner power.

Thank you for enriching yourself by reading. You have gained much and must complete the cycle by passing on this message. Otherwise you face the eternal damnation of the ultimate truth, where your brains will be fed upon by Satan’s pigeons (ed: surely vultures?).

On the plus side, if you share this page with your friends then you will indeed experience the hidden Karmic truth and profit both inwardly and outwardly.   If you look at the buttons below you will find all your eyes including the third, drawn towards the Share button.   Press it now to guarantee a truly enlightened future.

In addition, if you print these words and present them at your local Walmart, or other large store, you may be entitled to 30% off some everyday items.