My Writing Contest Mistake – Short Story of Highs and Lows
76By the non award winning writer Mark Ewbie…
Mark breathed a sigh. The writing contest results were in and he had checked them for his name.
Scanning quickly at first then, spotting no sign of his writing ID, he read them through more slowly.
Laboriously, carefully.
It was only a list of three names, none of them seemed to be his, but he needed to make sure. He checked again.
Even with the most generous allowance for spelling mistakes or squinting at them he couldn't see himself in the winning list.
Nothing. No mention. No prize.
The sigh that escaped his lips meant many things. It was a sigh that said the hope thing was over, he was foolish to have thought he might win, he was still Mark “Not That Good” Ewbie.
Truth be told, he wasn’t even called Mark. It was just a fake name to give him some feeling of safety on the internet. The Not That Good was accurate enough though.
That was not a wholly bad thing for Mark. His online persona was that of a slightly sad loser, a failure – that was what made his writing funny. The self mocking inability to cope with life’s issues seemed amusing to some.
Shtick Time
He smiled.
It’s a smile that isn’t a smile, it’s more of a movement of the mouth, a grimace.
He’d like it to be a wry grimace, but that still needed some practice.
It wasn’t a happy smile. More of an “OK then Mark, you and me against the world again”.
The online loser persona was not just a figment of his brilliant writing imagination either.
It was in fact based completely on a life spent preparing to be disappointed and expecting the worst.
At least when the worst happened he was ready for it.
Mark had gone badly wrong recently though. He had started to have some belief in himself. Some feeling that he could crack the writing thing, maybe make some money but more importantly than that – be successful.
Success was not a word that escaped Mark’s sighing lips very often. It didn’t escape them because it never formed within his mind. Not any more.
Of course in younger days he had dreamed of what great things he would do, and how fantastic life would be. Years of experience, some of them bitter, had hardened him against such foolish thoughts.
“Don’t expect anything” was one of his mottos. It had served him pretty well.
Highs and Lows
He wasn’t a depressive. Not one of those clinical types who really suffer. He wasn’t even a proper one of those. What Mark feared was the Drop. It’s when life is bowling along nicely and you start to feel happy and content and secure and confident and then… Bam!
From High to Low hurts. He didn’t like that hurt which is why he never risked it happening.
In younger days he had masked the Drop with substance abuse. Years spent in a Twilight Zone with the edge taken away. Self diagnosed and self medicated. As a solution to the problem it worked OK. In terms of having a proper life – perhaps less so.
Along with this he had adopted his mental attitude to the world. It was against him, it didn’t deliver and he didn’t like it. So he toughened and hardened, and closed his doors against it. Expect nothing, get nothing. It worked for Mark.
A constant Low was better than occasional Highs and Drops.
Oh So Funny
But Mark was funny. He could do funny. People liked funny. What they didn’t understand was that Mark used funny to keep them away, keep them outside his doors.
A conversation heading towards areas where he didn’t want to go? A quick joke, a diversion, and up with the drawbridge.
Real life was a series of avoidances, of keeping at arms length. Eventually Mark learned how to dispense with the joke routine and generally just be a shadow. He didn’t need them and they didn’t need him. That was fine.
Everyone needs some contact though, and the internet was an ideal place for his fix. Small controlled contacts. Anonymous, easily terminated, fleeting and temporary. Permanent was not the aim for Mark. A quick hit and then gone.
The relationship computer game. Lots of people played it in web world.
You Stupid Fool
Mark’s latest game had been internet writing. He had joined a writer’s site and had an element of success with his well practiced shtick. Easy, effortless and seemingly appreciated. Oh yes, Mark, despite his against the world persona, was easily flattered.
And although life should have taught him well by now, he had started to have some belief in his ability. The same belief that had lead him to think he could play the guitar, or be a success in other fields. The stupid misplaced dangerous hope that leads to the dreaded High.
He knew he shouldn’t have entered a competition. Of all people he knew that he shouldn’t let hope enter his thoughts. And as he searched for his name in the list of winners he knew that he had made a big mistake.
The sigh that left his lips scolded him. “You stupid failure. Did you forget? You know what will happen. I’m going to punish you for your hopes for weeks now”
For a while Mark brooded. This one hurt. He decided to write about it, to share how he felt.
But over the years, even though he hadn’t noticed at the time, things had changed for Mark. He was no longer single, living in the twilight. He had a Life of sorts, and when he was not doing his well practiced Against the World thing he sometimes risked letting himself feel happy.
He sighed again. But this sigh was different. It was almost a sigh of relief. No more contest, no more thinking about it. Today is a new day. Tomorrow will be a new day too.
He set his well practiced smile against the world and found it came easier, almost genuine.
He was content.
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Thanks Debby, especially for an outside view, rather than the voice in my head. I don't know what I am doing other than an internal mental dictation, and a reasonably fast typing speed. The more I write, the more my thoughts seem to come out in a format that doesn't need a lot of editing.
Well... I don't think it needs a lot of editing anyway.
I think cynicism is one of the things that keep me from expecting too much while still not giving up. The idea that you go ahead and do something and tell yourself that nothing will come of it, but well, it beats doing nothing. Certainly I agree that a status quo of emotion is better than extremes, but I can't have a constant low or I don't get out of bed.
Lol Flora, good point about not getting out of bed. Low was probably over stressing it, but Low to Medium would have been too wordy. And Medium.. nah. That's what shiny happy people have - maybe.
One man's Low is another man's Medium - but this is all a bit analytical.
Mark...
Your timely piece speaks to me (laughing).
After the allowance for spelling errors and squinting...I quickly did the same for poetry and photography even though I have never written a poem or taken a picture that didn't include a part of my finger in my life...alas...
Your personal journey from Highs/Lows to "Stupid Fool" would have earned me as a life-time follower had I not already did the follow thing.
Now...life? I may have misspoke. I can rob a liquor store and only get 8-years...I think it is important to maintain perspective...
Still...had you won you would have become big and famous...yada-yada-yada...then I would have had to pay to read your stuff. When did this become about me?
Nice job on the above Mark. As for winning contest...eh...it's good to tilt at windmills if only for the exercise...
Thomas
Ah Thomas. You are an extraordinary writer, amazing. Whether you would win one of these comps I don't know, but it blows me away I can tell you. The idea of you paying to read me... I'll park that.
Life? We need some trite comments quickly - "it's what you make it" will do for now.
As for.. tilting at windmills. Well, hell yes, isn't that part of the fun of this game?
Cheers Thomas.
This was very warm and honest, Mark...
I was surprised that non of the great writers (in my book) won any awards either, but as Thomas said, tilting at windmills really is important if only for the exercise...
I really enjoyed your short story here, and I hope that there will be more of them to come :)
Nemanja
I enjoyed this piece very much. being taken inside the head of a writer and following the high and low of it and finally contentment. Winning a constest can certainly inspire any individual as it indicates that the person is very likely embarked upon a pathway to success. Not a "loser" in this instance...nothing wrong with expectations and then time to move on...perhaps another contest--or writing for the sheer joy of it. Up and beautiful for me this morning.
Thankyou Nemanja. I am not moaning about the contest (for once), just being open about my thoughts on it. For a brief moment as I checked the list I wondered, and hoped, and was disappointed, although there were a lot of stories - and virtually impossible to judge I would have thought.
But the experience gave me some material, just enough for a page so there's a plus to all these things.
I'm glad you liked it, even though it was (arguably) one of those dreaded 'purely personal' pages.
Thanks.
____Eubie, this losing Hub is a winner. Here's a quote, can't remember who said it but I think it was Dr Weil, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
Thanks Reynold. I need a way of not just saying thanks all the time, I'll use "Hi" for the next one, if there is one.
The "sheer joy" of writing is something that I totally believe in - it is relaxing, enjoyable, mentally soothing - just a completely pleasurable experience.
And Reynold, thanks for saying inside the "head of a writer" - a year or so into this game and I'm beginning to feel a bit like one.
Hi Frannie. That's a great quote. I'm going to put my reading glasses on.
exceptionally cool. I enjoyed it thoroughly reading through...great hub Mark!
I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. "Wince" maybe. I must say I approached Jason's official thread with the same trepidation and self-deprecation, and until the comments started coming in on that poetry hub (a poetry hub getting lots of comments??? go figger!), I didn't quite believe what I had seen.
I am amazed at the breadth of creativity and styles on HubPages, but to me, you are, and always have been, "a contender."
Oh don't wince, please enjoy if anything. I hope I haven't implied I should have won, definitely not my intention. I checked the others and have no problems with the judges decision at all.
To be honest - my 'serious' entry (another Pooh one) was the least good of my others, because I was making it happen rather than just letting it.
What HP has given me, and continues to give me, is confidence to carry on learning, trying, playing and that has been so valuable - er, in writing terms if not the actual pennies.
So. No wincing. And thanks!
Oh and congratulations!! I'm sorry, I hadn't even looked at the 'other' sections - poetry and photos.
So, it seems, 4 judges and an HP staffer didn't like your story. (I just ask you, of the 4 writer judges, do you really like their personal writing?) Look at it this way, 5 people didn't choose you, but you have over 800 followers on HP who did choose you. I'd say you are already a winner and just haven't realized it.
(Can anyone explain why the third place winner in the "Creative Writing" category was a poem instead of a story? Poetry writing had a separate category.)
From another story-writer, non-winner, author of "The Writer Fox Story":
Nice story WriterFox. I had scanned it before, sorry, bad manners, but this time I read it properly.
Thanks for the winner thing, now I feel like I'm plying my piece for votes or something. I'm really not. Just a bit of Saturday morning writing. It makes me content.
And no I didn't understand the third place. It did seem to be a poem. First place was pretty good though. I read it twice and tried not to like it...
Hey Mark?
I *like* you. Yeah, I like your writing, but I like the "you" that peeks out between the lines and in the comments.
Even if you couldn't string together a sentence to save your life, I'm quite sure I would like you. That I get the extra bonus of a sometimes funny, sometimes touching writer too is just icing on the cake.
You keep on truckin'.
Hey Tony. Back at you, as I think they say. Funny how a glimpse between the lines now and again can tell you a lot about the person.
Our lives run on parallels, my friend. I tried to blur the edges and cut the pain with substance abuse in my early days, but when I went to a shop and asked them for some substance, and said that I would take a large bit if it wasn't too expensive, they didn't have any. Then they said that they didn't know what I was talking about, but I think they were really keeping it for someone else or they thought I was with MI6.
But believe me, if I had got some, I would have really abused it and abused it well.
Mark. I forgot to tell you that the judges door was cracked open just enough for me to hear them discussing the pool of winners. They were saying something about, "If we give the award to Mark his head might expand and explode. Then we will all have to start buying his books in order to read his work. Either that or we might have to use that measurement scale he so cleverly provided for us. So, let's just skip it this time."
Hi Twilight. I believe availability is like the rat population - you are never more that fifteen feet away from a dealer. I'll save the detail on the war against drugs for a hub sometime.
Lol Debby!
I second that emotion. It's the neediness that's so embarrassing innit? I was so disappointed not to receive an email after contest closing time, (the first clue of course that my best efforts weren't best enough), I couldn't hardly sleep, the sadness being so overwhelming...but the sun came up in the morning anyway. Watery sunlight admittedly, or maybe that was my eyes..
Anyway, it's been very cathartic to read your heartfelt piece, Mark, and I feel we're kinda kindred in our thoughts; if not our actions (I've never done substance abuse), or our abilities, (I don't do humour that well either)..
Come to think of it, I don't have anywhere near as many followers as you, and haven't posted anywhere near as many top class Hubs. Any class Hubs in fact..Didn't win Best Story Hubber, or King of Comedy awards either.
Shit, who am I kidding, I'm not fit to be on the same site as you. Or any of those truly talented contest winners.
What a loser.
Can you please send me a private email recommending some substances?
:-)
I'm going to have to write a substance abuse hub - top ten ways to get out of your head.
Do you get / watch I'm a Celebrity in Oz? It was won by a stoner last night. "How do you feel about winning?" said Ant or Dec. "I'm stoked, dude" came the response.
Anyway. Re. the other thing. Writing and judging. I can imagine the agonies, backbiting and despair that something like the Booker Prize entails.
And the thing I don't want to discuss. How irritating it must be to hear me moaning when I have all these badges and followers. Well. I'm a moaner. Glass half empty. And it only has coffee in it anyway.
WO - you're great. I'm great too. Let's get writing.
"Writing and judging. I can imagine the agonies, backbiting and despair that something like the Booker Prize entails."
Ditto pitching for new accounts in the adbiz. We'd regularly push each other to breaking point in the desperate need to win, expend tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours (usually after hours)developing creatively brilliant, strategically insightful, media-savvy, economically viable, potentially award winning campaigns, present them with persuasive eloquence, and wait for days in an extreme state of nervous anticipation for a phone call on which it seemed our entire worth as individauls depended.
Then 'win' ("we loved everything about it"), while losing ("but we loved theirs just that little bit more.).
Pressure? Nah, loved every minute. lol
Wo - it does sound very exciting, and pressure is less so if you are really bought into the thing. Much better to be busy, involved, than just ticking off the days.
It puts my half hour writing while staring out the window and then moaning into perspective.
Want something? Work damn hard at it.
As to contests:
I've never entered one and never will. The only award I am interested in is that "Earnings" figure I look at every morning.
But it's more than that. I wrote some magazine articles back in the day. Once or twice I got some "Shouldn't you instead say.." feedback from an editor. My internal reaction was "Where do YOU get off telling ME what I want to say or how I want to say it?"
I'm not particularly interested in what anyone else thinks of my writing. If they don't like it, I didn't write it for them. If they do, then I did. It's that simple and it's all I care about.
Yeah, ego, and lots of it. Those who don't like THAT can go elsewhere too :-)
I think Writer Fox said it best "5 people didn't choose you, but you have over 800 followers on HP who did choose you".
Don't measure your worth on a dumb contest. Sure, it's healthy to be disappointed, but you're not dead yet.
I couldn't help but think about all those great comedies and comedic actors who get passed over at Oscar time because funny is hardly ever taken seriously.
Pcunix - yep, earnings. As for editing, I couldn't cope with that. Unless it's just typos of course with a pretty please sugar on top approach.
GL - it's all so subjective. Any competition that relies on judging, you can only feel sorry for the X Factor participants. Well, maybe.
As for me, I'm happy. I took a chance on this page and it went OK - that's a result. The competition was SO last week.
It went OK because we all love you.
Ah shucks. You guys get my vote for judging the next competition.
I'm following the comments and lov'n it! Very often, a contest is decided by the personal quirks of the judges. Unless one has an inside track on these people and then cater to their personal preferences, chance of winning are nil. Again, wonderful "voice" that creeps through in this piece.
Thanks Reyneold! It may not have helped my 'case' that I wrote at least one, possibly two, mocking pieces while the comp was on. I'm loving the comments too, sometimes everyone has a view.
I have enough highs and lows in my everyday life that I try to avoid them in writing. Hence, no contest entries from me. But, I love your stuff, even the stuff that just walks us around in your shoes for a while.
Thanks Motown, nice to see you around, and comments like that fuel me for plenty more pages.
You write with wit, honesty, and healthy dose of "I could give a sh*t what you think about this." Those are the traits of some of my favorite writers. And I'm not just talking about HubPages. So consider yourself a part of that list.
Keep writing and we'll all keep reading.
Thanks to you, and congrats on that placing! Beautiful photos.
Oh. And I like that healthy dose comment...
Mark, great job. Your article took me back to my one and only writing contest, which was one year ago. I did not win either but I was proud of the fact that I stepped out and gave it a try. You should be proud also. Whether you have a "on-line identity" or not you are putting your heart and soul into your writing and then putting it out for everyone to read and "judge" through comments. As you can see by these comments you are a winner.
Thanks Dusty - I enjoyed this one, and have moved on. And yes, the comments help a lot in that.
I’m coming to this hub a little late as I’m trying to catch up on reading after a very busy phase. I could relate to much of what you wrote here, and I think anyone who entered and didn’t win probably could too. After all we entered because we hoped we might win.
I agree with everyone who says that it’s just 5 people’s opinions. One of my entries came third in a UK contest years ago (run by one of the major glossy magazines, so it it wasn’t a scam contest). Since then I’ve sent it to several magazines and it’s been rejected every time. As it has never been published it was eligible for the contest and I entered it out of curiosity more than anything. It won nothing here, obviously - but I think this illustrates pretty well that the judges' taste is as much what decides the winner as quality of writing, especially if there is a large number of quality entries.
Incidentally, being honest with yourself as you have been here is a great way to reach happiness. Good hub.
That sounds about right Melovy. It's all subjective, and luck and I didn't want to sound too complaining. But it was good to voice disappointment and deal with it, and I enjoyed writing it.
Thanks for visiting!
I really enjoyed this story! Great hub! You're a winner in my book!
Thanks Aslaught. I won something!
Don't be so quick, Mark. People tell me I'm a "winner" all the time and they mean nothing good by it.
I'm still chalking it up.
Debby Bruck Level 7 Commenter 5 months ago
The beauty of Mark's writing for readers listening to the voice in his head have this conversation that let's everyone into his secret world. Not just any ol' writer has the talent to do that. Not everyone can even write fast enough to catch all those words that speed by at a lightening pace. I just don't know how he manages to do that? Do you, Mr Ewie? Besides, there's always the next contest. Hugs, Debby