Men Who Hate Cooking Recipes: We Don’t, Wont and Can’t Cook
By Mark Ewbie
Simple cooking would be really handy for lots of men.
We need to eat to live, and surely the cookery thing is not to hard a nut to crack.
We have probably seen someone else cooking from time to time, and the science would appear to be – apply heat to a collection of food items, stir a bit, and then serve.
Lot’s of people can cook – I’m thinking women here mainly and TV chefs. Yet they can’t park a car. So how is it they make this task look so easy? Well obviously – it must be simple enough – so it’s just a matter of getting stuck in.
I can change the carburettor on a ’51 Ford so I’m damn sure I can throw some stuff in a pan and make something tasty and nutritious.
Actually, I made that bit up. I wouldn’t know where the engine is on a Ford – I get mine serviced. But in theory at least – I am a tech savvy man – able to construct things, and basically just make technology work.
The cooking deal thing scared me for a very long time – I thought it would be impossible to ever make my own food.
All a Bit Vague
From time to time I have asked these cook type people, women mainly, how you cook something. A stew maybe or a pudding.
They will look a bit surprised but will offer limited advice. “Just throw some meat and veg in a pot and leave for a couple of hours” might be the typical instruction.
This doesn’t tell me enough. I need to know precisely how much meat, what sort of veg, what type of pot, oven temperature, seasoning, measurements.
But no – they won’t tell you all their secrets. Because if women lost the power of food preparation – well that’s a large part of the control over us deal sorted right there. For good.
So they keep the knowledge to themselves.
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Technical Data or Recipes
If women won’t help us – do they ever – then we need to research this ourselves.
First get decent information on the job.
Instructions that are relatively straightforward to follow and obviously the place to start is a cook book or a recipe from the web.
Yeah right. I have picked up these books and had a look – and they don’t start at the beginning. There’s never a how to cook section. Just straight into recipes – as if you are some sort of expert.
The recipe will contain terms like a pinch of this or a half cup of that. What? How big is a pinch? How large is the cup? Is the cup like a china tea cup or a builder’s mug – or something in between? How do you get exactly half a cup if the sides are not exactly straight – they aren’t normally?
There will always be one ingredient, often several – that you don’t possess. So you have to go to the shop and buy one bay leaf, except they don’t just sell one – you end up with twenty of the things. That’s a lot of stew.
Plus of course you have to find the Bay Leaf section. Cookery opens up a lot of aisles I normally ignore. And shopping is stressful – everyone knows that. No good asking someone where the bay leaves are – they’ll probably think you are trying to pick them up AND get them to cook you a meal.
So sometime later we might have collected all the ingredients, or given up. Maybe scanned a load of recipes to find the one with the least ingredients and gone for that.
Actually that’s not a bad place to start. With a simple recipe. If you can find one.
Instructions
Simmer, baste, glaze. What? What does it mean?
There will usually be at least one technical term in the recipe that you don’t know the meaning of. OK I know what simmer means – gently boil. And I never do a recipe that says glaze in it on principle. But basting? I still haven’t bothered Wikiing it, it just annoys me.
OK, as I’m doing an article I will research it. Baste. Ah cool – it means to periodically pour the juice back over the meat when roasting. Well who knew? D’you know what? I reckon I could baste something – spoon, juice, pour.
I guess my reaction to the terms in cooking is the same as those people who don’t know one end of a computer from another. People try to tell them things and they just get confused. So you need to gen up, like I have just done with the basting thing.
Honestly it wasn’t too hard. Wiki is your friend.
Bit of Confidence
It took me a long time to realise this but… there is no exact right way to cook something. That’s because – along with the vagueness of the portion sizing and cooking instructions – the quality of the ingredients or the tools used (I’m thinking oven here) – can also vary.
So when it says 200 degrees it might actually be 190 at the bottom or 210 at the top. Or the potatoes might actually need an extra minute or two of roasting to get them done right. And right means – how you like it.
The half a cup thing doesn’t matter that much either. Just do it, put what you think in, and when it’s cooked and eaten, try to remember what you did and whether you would like a little bit more or a little less of that ingredient next time.
Once you realise that cooking is not an exact science it all becomes a lot easier.
Rules
There are only a few rules that are important. Like cooking chicken properly so you don’t get food poisoning. But with carrots for example you don’t need to worry. The worst is they can be too crunchy or too soggy. Not the end of the world.
Washing hands is important and clean surfaces. That kind of stuff. But if you go for the caveman approach to life – then we have been eating stuff for a very long time. And if our ancestors could do this then I’m damn sure we can.
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End Of
That’s my get up and get cooking preaching over with.
There really is no reason why a poor hopeless lost fool of a useless man can’t cook decent food.
It’s cheap, good for you and will make you feel you accomplished something.
Or, you could just get married. But man, if you think cooking’s hard…
Comments
Indeed they are. I'm not pitching this at top cooks though, it's a slightly lower level.
Cooking isn't that hard Mark. Really. Sounds like you need one on one direction. Or, is it that you really prefer and enjoy having the cooking done for you? :) If that's the case, then you won't venture to see my published recipes (complete with simple to understand instructions).
Seriously, I know what you mean. When it comes to computers, I am clueless. And I'm not talking about the working innards, I'm talking about how to navigate Excel, PowerPoint, etc. I know enough to get by. However, when say, a formatting issue comes up, or an error message, I get lost. I will and do ask for help. However, as I listen to the solution, a glazed looks comes over my face. I know it, and I know the person talking to me sees it lol. While they are speaking, running through my mind is what? They may as well be speaking a foreign language. And, sometimes the person will take control of the mouse and click here, there and everywhere and say there ya go. Well, gee, that's not the help I need, because then I'm left with even more questions.
Perhaps we convince ourselves that the how-to is too vague or too complicated? It certainly is much easier to throw up our hands in defeat and say I can't.
We can be saved, Mark. The question is, do we want to be? :)
Hi Trish - you're right of course, nothing is impossible and so on. But sometimes it seems a giant step just to get started, but once going you wonder why it seemed so difficult.
Although I am in theory a computer 'expert' I also glaze over, because I am not interested in technology for the sake of it. Just a tool to do the job.
Same as an oven really - you don't need to know how it works, just which controls to use and when to use 'em.
We both seem to be using the glaze word - I'm going to have to find out what that means.
LOL Mark,
I think it's because whatever is being said or shown to us seems so foreign to our ears and eyes. It's not in our realm of experience, therefore, the 'glaze'. I think. :)
Love it! Most men must think this way. I'll share my secret favorite recipe. But you can't tell anyone.
It involves a box of Barilla fettucini and a jar of ragu alfredo sauce.
What a great recipe evvy. Sounds exotic and neatly packaged.
I blame your mother Mark! I think more Mammies should teach their sons to cook as well as how to do housework. In those days of equality its not woman's work anymore.
That said, it's easy to cook a stew, just thrown some meat in a pan...
I do agree more sons should be taught cooking and to see it as kind of useful. Please don't give away the stew secret - that's my next hub!
Not really, who knows what the next one will be.
There are those like me and you who want, crave, absolutely require the most tedious of details when working on a project where we're not familiar with the tools and techniques. For me, that would be anything to do with refinishing furniture and painting interiors. I just don't seem to have the genes for these kinds of activities, and I need all the detail I can get. Mostly, although not always, I write for that detail-hungry reader when I'm writing recipes and menu plans and how-tos.
But not everyone needs that detail, and in fact all that detail will drive some away. So, as a writer, it's a matter of defining my audience before I write and then doing my best to meet the needs I think certain kinds of readers have.
With all that said, I know that if I'm going to tackle the paintng and refinishing, I really need to take a class somewhere--get some jargon under my belt and some supervised hands-on experience. After all, I grew up in the kitchen, not in the carpenter's shop. Have you thought about taking a cooking class? :)
Hi Sally, unfortunately although I crave knowledge I don't like the process of acquiring it. So it comes to me in small bits and pieces almost by accident.
But part of the point I was trying to get across, and possibly failed, was that you don't need to be a master chef in order to try your hand at cooking stuff.
Just a bit of courage, or self-belief, or a willingness to simply have a go. As Izzy says - stew - stick some meat and veg in a pan...
Hay Mark great read. I am one of the (seemingly) few males that likes to cook and I will bounch my girlfriend out of the kitchen if I see her even think about doing it.
Lets be honest, any mans moto should be "If you want it done right, do it yourself", so I do!
My advice...stir fry! You can't go wrong with it and it takes less time than you need to think about picking up the phone for a take away. A few bits of (prepackaged if you must) veg, some put up meat and your done in under 10 mins. Sling in some special sauce (take that as you will) and you have a great meal.
Better still invest in a slow cooker. I through anything in it with a stock cube and hot water then dip in every other day for my lunch. Magic.
Hey Rich thanks, and that's good advice about stir fry.
Mark! This is completely not true, haha. I hate cooking! I don't, won't and can't cook. (Besides PB&J's) And yes, I am female!
Ah, a female of the species. You sound like a secret expert. I don't know what a PB&J is. I bet it's delicious.
Mark this is both useful and funny and enjoyable to read. You have a unique writing style and that is something I think is good, it makes it interesting.
The summing up at the end shows you actually know more about cooking than you led us to believe at the start of the article. That is how I improve my cooking/recipes I ask questions when I have cooked a new recipe, "How can I improve this next time?" is a great way to become a good cook. That question is a really useful one. Voted this up and useful and funny.
Thanks a lot 2uesday :)
ExpandYourMind 16 months ago
Funny! But aren't many great chefs males :)