It’s Time to Get Serious About Making Money

I am almost ready to seriously buckle down and start making some money. If, like me, you too are serious about this serious subject, strap on your money making boots and let’s ditch creative for a higher purpose.

Money.

For too long I have attracted viewers for whom money seems to be the last thing on their mind. They want something to read, maybe a story or some humour, but they don’t seem interested in either borrowing or spending money.

Now, I don’t mind if you are rich or poor because there’s some financial mileage in there – it’s the ones in the middle I can’t stand. You know, the guys who come and read, maybe leave a comment saying “nice job” or “you are an asshole” and disappear without a purchase.

The worst sort of reader in my opinion, like textual thieves they use your content and offer nothing in return. The great writers of England did not spend their years penning wonderful writing for dumb ass readers to wander in and out without some financial interaction. I’m pretty sure Shakespeare used his plays to make money out of the associated merchandising – ice cream and “hey nonny no” fridge magnets for example.

Therefore it’s time for me to ditch the la-di-da prose and award winning writing stuff and get commercial. I use the award winning phrase as an indicator of quality rather than strictly speaking having won any awards.

OK, I might lose a few of the more high brow readers (no, really) but they never have any money. The only time they put their hands into their rather deep pockets is to scratch themselves thoughtfully while wondering what witty riposte to write. Smart comments that take up my valuable earning time trying to think of equally smart responses.

I mean, I’ve already written the page but oh no, that’s not enough for this social networking malarkey. You now have to be instantly available to chat with your readers and continue to humour them long after the point of the page has been missed.

Down at the bottom of the comments section we engage in banter and back slapping – and the reader seems unaware of the fact that they have skipped the merchandising and somehow I’m expected to be grateful.

I’m tempted to leave the comments off altogether, but then I get comments on other pages saying, yes, wait for it, that I’ve left the comments off. And they don’t buy anything on that page either. It’s like a bus full of people turns up in my shop, ignores the products completely and start to engage me in social interaction.

Yeah, OK, thanks for that. Didn’t you see the sign saying “Buy Something”? This is not supposed to be therapy, unless it’s the retail sort.

Anyway, I nearly started to digress. That is one habit to break straight away, now that I’m serious about making money.

From now on it’s going to be pure buy this or borrow that stuff. I want a trail of successful or desperate people leading to my financial door. I prefer the successful types because they moan and smell less but all are equally welcome in a genuine fake sincere have a nice day sense.

Some people will say they write online because they have a need to share or empathise, whatever that is. They call it a calling and make claims that they have been driven to do this. Lucky them I say, having a chauffeur.

Note: That chauffeur comment is why I don’t normally attempt jokes. I wish I hadn’t bothered with it really, but as it’s there I can’t quite bring myself to edit it out. Please don’t think I’m proud of it.

Where was I? Ah yes - higher calling. Well, that’s not my angle. To be honest in a non legal sense I am not really keen on sitting in front of a computer typing a load of words. The motivation for me is the dollars those words are worth – they are breadcrumbs scattered to attract rich, or poor, sparrows.

By the way, not a word to Google about this. They think I’m creating quality content – lol. If they find out I’m just here to make a few beans they’ll force me down to page 120 and start emailing me about buying their Adwords campaign.

Using my aforementioned empathy skills I am going to become as one with my reader (ugh) and persuade them in an entirely false manner to buy into my angle. It might be lifestyle selling choices or financial hardship – I am fairly hopeful of making a turn out of deceit or misery.

Please don’t think ill of me for this apparent using of people. It is not using, it is enabling. Think of me as an unwilling, but also eager, conduit for greed and avarice. I will be here to fulfil a need that’s all. If I didn’t do it someone else would, and then they’d be getting the big bucks.

Enough with the apologies. People writing the ten secrets of financial how to’s do not do apologies. They do persuasive look at me buy my success stuff and that is where I’m heading.

So money it is. From tomorrow I am going to start knocking out on message writing that will be a bit more purchase friendly. Consumer prose designed to entrap and ensnare the unwary in a hailstorm of targeted marketing.

Obviously I can’t start today because I’ve written this piece instead.

Apologies in advance to both of my regular readers who may be forced into spending money they don’t have by this forthcoming advertising blitz. There will be borrowing pages as well so quit with the whining.

Phew! I think I’ve finally cracked it.