Funny Article on the End of the World - Satire

I noticed while browsing the internet looking for artistic interpretations of the human form (female mainly although not too fussed) that there appears to be a minor problem regarding the world.

It seems quite likely, if the internet posters are to be believed, that the world is going to end tomorrow.

Now, I am not one to repeat fantasy dressed up as fact but it did seem to be a responsible act to inform both of my regular readers so they have time to panic in an organised fashion.

Certainly if my friends or family were to keep this information from me, lest I do something crazy, I would feel a bit disappointed about being the only one left out of the loop, despair wise.

I mean, it’s not as if there could be much news that’s more important than this – perhaps the opening of a new supermarket or a Royal visit – but beyond that I can’t think of anything.

My initial thoughts on hearing of this impending catastrophe or new age of enlightenment (depending on who you read) was that I hope I have time to write a page on it.

And then gather nearest and dearest around me for comfort and reconciliation… blah blah… fill in later. (That’s if there is a Later of course).

Obviously this page is not going to have a lot of time to gather organic links before the ultimate demise of the world and everything in it but I still feel it is a good use of my time.

If I can inform just one person that their life is about to end then I can meet my maker content that I spent my last moments usefully.

I haven’t read all the information on this, obviously there is not a lot of time for research, so I am not clear if my maker is also doomed. If he is, then I’m not going to get to meet him I guess.

Fortunately, I have lived a blameless life in that I’ve always managed to ensure someone else gets the blame.

So in terms of settling consciences and so on I am fairly comfortable. It’s in the financial area that I have a bit more of a problem.

They say you can’t take it with you.

How do they know?

The problem is that I am largely invested in bits of paper and wherever the final destination is they may not be interested in that type of thing. Whereas gold of course is always welcome, especially in whatever kingdom we’re heading for.

Too late to cash in though, so that’s a bit of a downer. It’s also too late to build a very large boat and fill it full of ladies and alcohol (ed: surely animals?).

I am assuming some sort of flood is on the cards rather than a nuclear accident or deadly virus.

Rudyard Kipling wrote a poem about disaster which I have completely forgotten. I think it might be of comfort if I get the time to Google it before the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride up the street.

Note: I Googled it. It wasn't of any comfort at all.

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Incidentally my wife is querying whether it is worth washing the net curtains as was the original plan.

I have said to continue with it, as it is important that life should carry on up to the final moments. After all, the last thing we need is anarchy in the village. It gets a bit hectic around New Years Eve but twice in one year would be too much.

Unfortunately as much of the world is not English they are likely to over react to this news.

Apparently some people plan to spend the last day having sex or, well, they’re not too specific about anything else. Sex seems to be the main thing. All day. I ask you.

If it wasn’t the end of the world I suspect there would be a lot of red faces the next day.

Anyway, procreation in the face of the end of all things seems a bit pointless.

I quote directly from my wife on that point.

I did wonder if, as a writer who I regard very highly, I should perhaps muse on the meaning of life and create some words of great meaning and comfort.

These contemplations would form part of human history should there be at some stage a Second Coming. There normally is with these events.

My words would form the basis of a new age of humanity, and perhaps become the ultimate teachings. Maybe if I work all day at it I could create a modern Bible, full of parables and a few rather amusing little sketches.

However, my wife (ever the practical one) has pointed out that after tomorrow we are expecting guests.

In the unlikely event of the world not ending as planned we would be faced with an urgent need to tidy up and put the best china out.

So we have agreed to compromise by the simple means of me doing exactly as instructed. This is how it normally works.

Occasionally I will risk a small joke and say “what if was the end of the world tomorrow” and she wittily responds “it isn’t”.

Although it may be the last I see of you in an internet sense, and it may be the last page I write, I have enjoyed sharing these many meaningful thoughts on the end of the world.

One great plus point among all this doom, despondency and disaster is that if it is the end at least I won’t have to answer a load of smart assed comments from a bunch of time wasters.

Still let’s not burn any bridges too quickly. You never know, we might all still be here tomorrow.

In which case, er, thanks for reading, all comments welcome and so on.

See you tomorrow.

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