How to Win Internet Arguments: Best Tips for Funny Forum Fighting

I like having fun on forums by winding people up, having funny arguments and most of all - winning those arguments. You don't have to know a whole lot of facts to win, just how to play the forum game.

This is an article on forum arguments and internet battles - it is written with tongue firmly in cheek, which is the first place to start with that cesspit of debate...

...the internet forum.

First off, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not important. When you are a member of a forum, even one you only occasionally post to, it is vital to win by any means – fair or foul.

Secondly, one of the best bits of advice I have seen is from earner, who says they are only pixels. This is a good way to play the game and try to keep some perspective, but if you follow earners’ excellent tip then you don’t need to read the rest of this article. Bye!

Thirdly. I have not employed any of these tactics on the Hubpages forums or against you. Honest. Hardly at all.

Fourthly. I have been banned and had to buy a new router (IP address) on occasion. This is a fail.

.

I am a person who gets great delight from winding up others.

The internet has been a boon because it enables people like me to spend all day searching out victims, upsetting or confusing them, and then melting away under a cloak of anonymity.

Is it fair? Is it right? No. And that - I am not very sadly, not ashamed to say, is what really makes it fun.

Now I don’t mean just flaming people for no reason. That’s just nasty and spiteful. I mean having fun battling with words in banter duels.

The essential part of flame wars, er, I mean intelligent internet debate, is setting someone's desire to prove you wrong against your ability to win the argument at all costs. This is very important stuff. It may sound geeky - it is not. Much.

There are a variety of targets out there that are fully deserving of a little poke.

By selecting carefully you can just about retain enough high moral ground to run your campaign with a clear moral conscience.

This supposed moral ground doesn’t cover picking on newbies, but who cares about them?

The know-it-all

They know all there is to know about whatever tedious subject it is that the particular forum board deals with. They are recognised as the board guru and are proud of their status. They will become more and more pompous as a result of this position. A little pricking of that pomposity is no bad thing.

The bully

The forums are full of them. Picking on members, and invariably getting away with it for years. Ruining perfectly good forums and upsetting perfectly nice people. A prime target for some fun.

The newbie

Well. It’s their fault for being new. Ideal for a wind up, as they will not yet know who does what within the forum world. Do the dirty with a little grace and humour though, if they riff well enough back at you, you may become best of buddies.

The idiot

The guy and it is normally a guy, who has a particular stance and cannot see past it. Immune to reason, devoid of intelligence, but with an unshakeable belief in the rightness of his argument. I normally go for the fake homosexual angle with this one, especially if they are a jock type.

.

You need quick and accurate typing skills plus decent grammar.

Too many good points can otherwise be refuted with a simple reference to a typo you made or grammatical howler.

My weak point is apostrophes. Don’t tell anyone.

You need the ability to understand and misconstrue without really thinking about it.

Spending a lot of time fooling about with mates is a good way to practice this.

A reliable fast internet connection. Getting disconnected in the middle of the heat of battle may make your opponent think you have run away, or gone offline to find help elsewhere on the net.

Not having any interest, empathy or caring about the subject are great assets. They enable you to go off on any path of your choosing – an advantage over the victim who may actually give a damn.

Here are some common ploys.

In order to prove you wrong, your victim may have written a lengthy masterpiece, well written with copious references that prove their argument once and for all.

If you were in a court of law you would now have lost.

But to win on the internet all you need is to convince the other members of the jury, er forum, that you are indeed the dude of the moment.

Here are some short answers.

• You have missed the point
• I haven’t read the whole thing but…
• If I wanted to read a book I’d go to the library
• I’m glad we now agree.
• Thanks for your apology.

The longer the post, the shorter the answer.

If you can’t be bothered to wade through his lengthy explanation, no one else will either.

This is my favourite.

To take on board what the guy is saying and then appear to completely misunderstand.

When this works, and other people join in to correct your seeming mistake – then there is no greater fun to be had on the planet.

Does this sound a bit nerdy? Hey, don’t pick on me – you’re the one reading it.

If you are a regular on the boards, then your internet friends will be having fun too. They will be used to your behaviour by now, but they will probably enjoy it, rather than warn the unwary.

An example. The poster has written with feeling about why their Christian beliefs make them hostile to homosexuality. Your reply...

I'm glad you have shared this. Personally I'm not that keen on gays but you are brave to admit your feelings for them. Respect.

A conversation like this can go on for some time. That's the evening sorted.

More generally, the person who the forum members are discussing carefully while trying to be politically correct.

It could be benefit claimants, drug abusers, illegal immigrants – whichever – by pretending to be one of these you can enter the conversation and turn the whole thing on its head.

Example: “i entered your beautiful country three weeks ago on a visa i printed from internet and my wives are following tomorrow – we are very grateful for the thousand dollar joining up fee. I plan to make money from copying internet articles and republishing them under wife number 2’s name.”

Simple stuff, and practiced by 90% of forum posters anyway.

The more inaccurate the better. Some will simply be swallowed whole, others will start an argument. It’s a win-win.

Example: “87% of Republicans are unable to read”. Or Democrats - it doesn’t matter. You are not here to make some sort of public stand of your beliefs. You are here to rubbish others.

A link will help. It doesn’t matter what you link to, most people won’t bother checking it before they respond. If they do - go off on another track. It’s only the internet, it’s only having fun.

Tip: Don’t waste time on research, that’s just amateur.

Don’t do it. It’s boring to read, ugly and the idea is to have fun.

Sometimes you have to gracefully accept you lost the argument.

They were actually right all along. Remember to say it like you mean it, this goes down well with your supporters.

Make a note of their ID though, and follow them for ever more. You’ll get another chance.

No seriously, don’t bother, that’s stalking and it’s boring. Don’t be boring.

This is cheating and below the belt. However...

If you must do it then it can be used to give some credence to your character, some weight to your statements.

Or maybe you can just attack yourself, in order to display your latest off the cuff riposte that you spent all night working on.

You can play good cop - bad cop with your victim. Each ID supporting or attacking in increasingly bizarre posts. At some point the victim will spot it. You may never see them again.

When writing a reply, type in a few words and then cut short the supposed rest of the reply with a comment from the Moderator.

Example:

“You are completely wrong on that point, I have never mod: Rest of this reply removed as it was inflammatory and potentially illegal”.

It’s very childish of course, and may lead to a ban.

Although some mods (not many) also have a sense of humour, especially if you are dealing with a trouble maker.

But the joy of the victim then saying “Tee hee the mods got you” while the rest of the board knows exactly what the game is – ahh heaven.

Of course, all the above is the wrong way to behave.

The internet is a marvellous tool and wouldn’t it be better if we could all just get along and treat the views of others with respect.

Yeah right. See you around.

Ps. On reading this article back I am beginning to wonder if I am just a sick and twisted individual. Certainly my family think so.

Ah well, whatever, can’t stop, got some posting to do.

.

By Sharing this article, using the button below, you will prove to your friends and fellow forum members that you are not someone to be trifled with.

You are so confident, worldly wise and probably handsome (I'm assuming you're a guy, women don't usually bother with this childish nonsense) - that you are happy to pass on the secrets to lesser beings.

In this case - your mates. Especially if they are internet mates.

.

.