Harmless “Osama Bin Laden” Yeti Killed By US Forces

From our local reporter in Islamabad, Pakistan.

In shocking scenes today a Yeti was trapped and slaughtered by crazed American troops.

Witnesses reported hearing gunfire and smoke could be seen rising from where the Yeti had made its simple twenty five room home.

Amid general mayhem the poor dead creature was dragged into a helicopter bound for the Guantanamo Medical Institute and DayCare center (reopened under new management).

Local people threw shoes and rice at the troops but they were powerless to stop the slaughter.

“Poor thing’s lived here for years” said one local who did not wish to be named.

Obviously he didn’t say it in English but we have access to a translator.

President Osama Bin Failin (no relation), explained later that they only meant to tranquilise it - but a rookie veterinary technician had used a rocket propelled grenade instead of a dart.

The Yeti, nicknamed Osama Bin Laden by locals, was believed to be the last one living outside captivity. It is a protected species in Pakistan. The local council is believed to be drafting a letter of complaint or Fatwa in response to this event.

As a mark of respect the district Taliban Playmate of the Month competition has been cancelled.

The Yeti used to be a fairly common creature in parts of the world although its habitat has come under threat in recent years.

It lives by making inflammatory speeches and receiving donations from well wishers from countries as disparate as Saudi Arabia, Iran and Afghanistan.

Yetis are generally placid creatures, much given to reading holy writings. Unfortunately, because many of them, well all of them, can’t read or understand the teachings they can become enraged.

It is for this reason that they have been gradually herded back into small areas where they can be monitored and kept away from people who want their female children to attend schools or simply have a life of some sort.

It is said that if you cut the head off a Yeti another ten will grow in its place, but as yet there are no reports of this happening to the Osama Yeti.

An entire industry has been established over recent years to monitor and control anyone who associated with the Yeti.

Now that the Yeti is dead - what is the future for those public employees and private contractors?

Quite bright apparently. Although the Yeti is gone, there are many other dangerous animals to worry about.

The Mad Camel of Libya is rumoured to be high on the list as well as the frankly bonkers troop of Burmese Monkeys.

So if you thought removal of the Yeti means you are safe then think again. That at least will be the message pumped out 24/7 by the industry who specialise in protecting us.

We are however expecting to remain on friendly terms with the Saudi Cabaret and Drag Artist Collective for the foreseeable future.

That concludes our report from Islamabad.

Please don't confuse this article with the thousands of other internet pages being pumped out on this subject. Although not officially affiliated with any recognised trade body we aim for the highest standards possible while under the influence of class A narcotics.

Our crap (ed: crack?) team of a single reporter remains dedicated to scraping a few facts off the internet and bringing them to you – lunchtimes permitting.

We are hearing rumours of another Yeti being sighted, so stay tuned.

A short service will be held at The Mecca Bar and Grill on Saturday at 11:00am. Virgins will be provided subject to availability.

Due to current legislation regarding bonfires it will not be possible to build a funeral pyre in the city center. The body will be tipped off the end of the pier to close the ceremony. No photography please.

Flowers can be sent to the Al Qaeda Flying School and Drop In Center.

The settlement and final solution (ed: distribution?) of the estate is expected to take place over the next few years.