Funny Recipes: How to Make Perfect Tomato Soup Every Time

This is my method for creating delicious tomato soup – every time.

Tasty tomato soup is the crème de la crème of nectarous soups, a giant among appetizing soups in terms of popularity.

From childhood winter evenings through to adult sophistication at the top eating houses – mouthwatering tomato soup stands head and shoulders above the others.

Now don’t get me wrong. I like a luscious leek and potato or a heavenly carrot and coriander. Not so much winter vegetable or pea soup. But compared to the adorable tomato soup they are bridesmaids to the main event.

Actually, pea soup is a culinary creation that makes you wonder why they bother. Revolting. Although if you can stomach the stuff I have done a recipe page on it, I Love Delicious Pea Soup, so please feel free to try it out.

This page is dedicated to the one and only soup you’ll ever really need, inasmuch as you can need a soup of course. A delicious starter or with bread and cheese, a quick main course for the culinary challenged.

Dear Reader, I give you my souper Tomato Soup recipe.

Ah yes. As a child, working in the gold mines of West Yorkshire, finishing a shift at ten in the evening.

Running home up the cobbled streets, pausing only to buy a loaf of relatively fresh three day old bread from Mr.Patels 24/7 Everything Under a Pound Mart, and getting home before Dad came back from the pub.

“What’s for tea – Mam?” I would query.

“Soup” she’d reply and there it was, sometimes heated, sometimes not, waiting for me on the kitchen table.

Always soup, she wasn’t what you’d call much of a cook, but always (or so I thought at the time) prepared with love.

Of course, too much soup can lead to the runs, so in later life I prefer to only have soup four times a week and maybe eat something more substantial, like chicken nuggets, on other occasions.

As a cook I have learned through experience that before starting on the gig you need to get your shit together. Make sure you are relatively sober before starting, there’s a lot of dangerous equipment in a kitchen.

Clear away yesterday’s plates and cutlery – I like to push mine towards the sink or form a pile in a corner. Wipe down all surfaces with a rag or floor cloth.

Tip: If you wipe and there is still a spot of muck then a bit of spit will probably work it loose.

So, get some space in the kitchen and mentally prepare for what you are about to do.

Always try to use ingredients that are naturally available at the time of year.

This creates a biorhythm to your cooking, which your guests will appreciate. It’s Nature’s calendar – of what to cook and when to cook it.

We have been eating seasonal products since probably as far back as the early twentieth century, so there is a tradition to it.

Sourcing local ingredients is important for freshness and food miles. If your food has been transported from the other side of the world this can have a real impact on the planet.

Shop local, be green.

Of course if you use a supermarket then you can get anything, anytime. Sometimes the planet has to take second place to my desire for tomato soup.

This recipe has been passed through our family for generations. Up until now it has been a closely guarded secret.

Thanks to the wonder of the internet this sort of knowledge can be freely shared.

You will need…

• A saucepan – ideally large enough to contain the amount of soup you intend to prepare. If it’s too small – spillage. Too big – doesn’t matter really – but your soup might look inadequate in a maximum size Le Creuset.
• A wooden stirring spoon. Could be plastic, could be metal – but wood is best. If you don’t wash the wooden spoons very often they begin to develop their own taste.
• A gas ring, or electric. I prefer gas because it gives me instant control. Please note, trying to warm the soup with a fan heater doesn’t really work.
• A can opener. Worthwhile keeping a supply of plasters available in case of cuts, those tins can be sharp when opened.
• A tin of tomato soup. One tin per person, depending on size of tin and size of person.

• Open the tin of soup.
• Pour into saucepan.
• Switch on or light the heating element.
• Monitor the soup temperature. Stir occasionally. I like to wait till little heat bubbles appear, and then stir till they disappear. It’s amusing, and passes the time while cooking, which to be honest is quite boring.

Eventually the soup will be hot enough. Probably about three minutes.

Tip: Do not leave on the heat and rejoin your friends in the other room to smoke a large cannabis cigarette, returning to the kitchen some hours later. This may spoil the soup.

So many cooks miss out this vital element of presentation. You work hard preparing the food but you need that little bit of extra effort to wow your guests.

First pour into serving bowls, or leave in saucepan if you intend to eat it al a carte (literally meaning - from the saucepan). Easier for sharing, but may be a bit too edgy for older people to enjoy.

Place some doilies (sort of mat thing) on the table if you have a table. If you don’t have a table then – well – I don’t really know. Soup and lap spillage is a major cause of male infertility.

Pick a leaf of something, like off a tree or whatever, and sling it on top of the soup. This is not for eating, but it adds so much to the image of top host that you are conveying. I think it’s called a bouquet, might be a garnish. Place a mug or ashtray in the middle of the table so your guests can put the garnish there once they have admired it.

Grab spoons and get stuck in!

I hope you will enjoy this recipe and get as much pleasure from consuming a tin of tomato soup as I frequently do.

Nourishing, stylish, sophisticated, energy giving, beautiful and exciting are just some words I have typed in.

Enjoy my soup recipe!

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