Top Secret Gay SEO Tips and Tricks Revealed - Humour

Keep this under your hat, especially if it’s a black one. A friend of mine regularly frequents a gay wine bar just off the Clapham Junction, except on Thursdays when he goes to his mothers for a fish and chip supper.

He was freshening up in the gents after a somewhat tiring, although fun, evening when he espied a piece of paper scrunched up by the sink. Wondering whether it contained any class A narcotics he was surprised to see that it was a hand written list of Top Secret SEO Tips. The author had put their name at the bottom, and I will say no more other than these are inside tips from an authority in such matters.

I bring them to your attention because they may help ease the pain that the Panda Farm Slap Tosser change has caused.

The list is fairly illiterate and childishly written which immediately indicates that it is of probably graduate origin – at least an ex Honours student I would suspect – and has that slight odour of office geek about it.

Anyway – here are the main points with some interpretation where necessary by me.

With the new deal with big business the affiliates are going to struggle. Any mention of an actual product by name is doomed to failure. Therefore it is necessary to refer to products by their long tailed whoosits.

For example it’s not good trying to sell toasters. Instead you must aim for words such as electrical bread burning devices. A vacuum becomes a wheezing suck monster… and so on.

For each advert promoted on a page you must say three Hail Marys and write seven hundred words of flowing and poetical description.

Do not under any circumstances use the words best, top or five.

This just got a whole lot trickier. Any page where the advertising is visible is deemed to be an advertising page for scammers and ne’er-do-wells. There is however a way round this.

You cannot put adverts on your own page but they can be placed on another (non searchable) page – and you are allowed one link from your own page to that other one.

The link must be at the bottom of your own page, and must contain the words Danger Advertising May Be Present If You Follow This Link.

Any non advertising links to other pages must also be placed at the bottom of the page with the accompanying message – You Are About To Follow A Dangerous Path.

It is suggested that this be in red capital letters and bolded.

Failure to use the correct method will mean that your links are automatically set to Follow My Ass – which means it is unlikely that any search bot will ever find you again.

In the past it was recommended that you repeat the same phrase 47 times in the first two paragraphs. This is no longer the case.

You must not use your keyword directly, except once in the title. If it appears elsewhere in the text you will be dropped multiple pages in the search results.

However you still need to game the keywords as this is the only way good content can be recognised. The way Google have got round this is to introduce Anagram Keywording. This is an attempt to give the scammers and non English speakers a harder time while rewarding the owners of anagram websites.

You have to make anagrams from your chosen keyword and spread throughout the text at a density of 3.34.

Unfortunately I don’t know what the 3.34 measurement is because the piece of paper was slightly damp at that point and the ink has blurred.

As ever, good quality orgasmic (ed:organic?) links are much respected. These need to be added at the rate of 1 a day for 3 months, followed by an occasional Tuesday link, up to a maximum of 157.

If someone genuinely links to your article because they like it then that will mess up your measured linking statistics and could cause serious problems search wise. If this does happen, you need to write an immediate letter of explanation to all the major search engines, and Bing as well I suppose.

Tip: Try always to write utter crap and then with a bit of luck no one will genuinely link to it.

It is important that the article is not written by an average Joe. This could result in information being shared by other average Joes and lessen the reliance on the structure of the information society.

Where knowledge is passed down to the masses but never the other way around.

At the top of the chain are businesses of course but there is also a generous ranking for educated types such as doctors and professors.

To give your article search credence it must now contain references to established authority sites which will automatically convey a higher value, meaning wise, on your average Joe output.

This is a major step forward for those who don't step outside until an authority figure has told them it is safe to do so.

I have tried to write a humorous angle on SEO with a little bit of bitterness in a comedic sense. If I knew more about SEO and / or comedy it would have been much better.

I have hopes that this article may improve with time, as it ages, and indeed so do I.

See you on page 19…