Stop Swearing, Cursing and Cussing with Profanity Software Filter Program

I originally wrote this article as an amusing satirical look at swearing on the internet.

A humorous take on free speech, net nanny and that kind of thing - in a gentle and hopefully funny fashion.

However, I do appreciate that people have real and genuine concerns about the level of bad language openly accessible to children, or indeed anybody, across the web - and so I have added this opening section.

Although I believe strongly in free speech, and the freedom among consenting adults for bad language - I also believe that people should not be subjected to it against their will. The problem with the net is that there is so much stuff out there, which to be honest, shocks even me.

Below are a couple of product links to Amazon which may be useful to someone trying to stem the tide of filth that is available at the click of a button.

Under the adverts is my original article, a wry and I hope, amusing look at censorship. Two sides of the same coin perhaps?

.

For people who earn big money (yeah right) by writing content on the web - there is nothing worse than having an article pulled because it contains swear words, obscenities or other profane language.

I have had many articles removed through accidental use of t*t or b*m, sometimes even a c*ck and this can have a serious impact when it is your main source of income.

That's why Dr.Frikker's Universal Content Kit has been a real boon. I am writing this using the kit, and as each word is typed it is automatically filtered and made safe. My usual offering of expletive riddled filth-laden text is rendered harmless.

There is no drain on resources, no complicated instructions, just download the shareware.

Once you have removed the associated viruses and rebuilt your C drive - hey presto! - you are ready to go.

Vulgarity and bad language will be dealt with - alongside flaming, dirty talk, rudeness, lewdness and other foul-mouthed curses. Gross behaviour and lechery will be removed although a certain amount of coarse, bawdy and lascivious comment can be maintained with the Professional edition (not available in North Korea).

We all know what it's like.

Come home drunk, maybe had a row with the wife, perhaps suffering from a serious mental illness - and there we are - back on the old blog again, sp*uting off for all and sundry.

Or maybe you write advertising content for a living?

One sl*p of the t*ngue and you can be moved into the 'adult content' section - where to be frank only a few d*rty old men go.

They are not going to buy many new vacuum cleaner attachments from your web site - apart from the really d*rty ones of course.

The Frikker system has several levels of safety that can be applied.

This article is currently under the lowest safety setting, but I'll crank it up to maximum in a moment to show you the power.

• Basic words - all swear words automatically starred
• Places - any mention of places starred out - this is to protect against stalkers.
• Politics - any political or controversial statements removed - Ir*q for example.
• S*xuality - any reference to part or parts of the b*dy not directly connected with eating and shopping.

These main areas are completely under your control. Personally, I would never write without them again.

The good Dr.Frikker was a Hungarian refugee.

During the cold war period (look it up) he was actually a she - conducting experiments on g*nads to see if they could communicate.

After Glasnost and some painful gender reassignment, she became a male American citizen, and has since worked on many projects for the CIA, Fox News and the Christian Fellowship of Alberta.

Here's an example of the sort of dangerous filth that Frikker deals with.

• Mary had a little lamb
• It's fleece was white as snow
• And everywhere that Mary went
• The lamb was sure to go

Let's turn the m*tha up a bit shall we?

• M*ry had a little l*mb
• It's fleece was white as sn*w
• And ********** that M*ry went
• The l*mb was sure to g*

OK, let's dissect what Frikker has done here.

Names and places hidden from stalkers.

References to b*by creatures (b*bies equals pr*creation equals s*x) removed.

The sn*w reference is also removed as Frikker filters out careless drug references.

What would you rather publish? The frankly filthy and dangerous original? Or the tidied up child safe version?

I am appalled by the oh so clever look at me student types who think it's great to swear, and somehow think they are standing up for 'freedom of information' by using words such as f*rt or b*tt*m in their text.

Well I didn't fight a war just to allow these guys the freedom of polluting my screen.

That is true because I didn't actually fight the war for a couple of reasons.

• I was found medically unfit
• Bit scared.

Now you have have learned how we can fight back with Frikker.

It will moderate content that is incoming to you, from websites, blogs, forums, and so on. All my input is now pure, with no s*x, c*cks or h*m*s*xuals able to penetrate my defences.

I thoroughly recommend this software to those who want to preserve some vestige of dignity, and consider the English language to have let standards sl*p over the centuries.

If only this had been available to that so-called writer Shakespeare - there would have been a few less bull's p*zzers then - I can tell you.

If, like me, you think that childhood should be sacrosanct and that no naughty words should pass a child's lips until they are eighteen - then please consider your personal responsibility in this matter.

You have read and been enlightened as a result - now it's up to you to share that knowledge. I would do it myself, but apart from Theo Nanist I don't have any real friends.

So please, think of the children, and use the Share button below to inform those you hold dearest to your heart... or... just want to wind up.