Best Easy Ways How to Get Hurt or Injure Yourself at Work and Claim

• Fallen over at work?
• Thinking of falling over?
• Planning to fall over?

Accidents certainly happen, and with a bit of planning they can happen with a happy outcome.

Of course by definition an accident is something that's unplanned - I mean who really wants to hurt themselves? But with a bit of forethought at least you can make sure that whatever happens is someone else's fault.

• Who put that thing I tripped over right there?
• Who organises the lighting so I couldn't see where I was going?
• Why was I having to carry that stuff that meant I couldn't see where I was going?

It's just a case of having the right questions to hand, a reasonable cover story, and a willingness to blame everything that happens on somebody else.

Preferably someone with insurance cover.

If you want to know how to get hurt or injure yourself at work then this is a good place to start.

There are a number of potential benefits to self harm - it's just a question of living with the pain, and possibly your conscience.

Scrub the conscience thing, let's get hurt!

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Claims insurance is big business. It is a legitimate way to gain compensation and due to the large amounts of money involved has spawned an army of lawyers and claims advisers offering enticing no win no fee opportunities.

If you feel you may be entitled to compensation, either now or in the future then you might want to read this article which discusses the possibilities of claim compensation in a not too serious fashion.

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Everyone wants to stop working and make a fortune through any means possible. Whether it is an inheritance, a win on the lottery, or just simple blackmail - we all want to get rich easily and quickly.

The great thing about this claims insurance deal is that you really earn it in a manner of speaking - through your good foresight and opportunity. It's almost honest, so for all those do goody good two shoes out there - there's no point in complaining. Just because you didn't think of it.

And anyway - lawyers are involved. So that makes it legal right? That's why the legitimate claims compensation culture is big business.

This page aims to explore the possibilities and benefits of lucrative self mutilation in a relatively light hearted and non legally binding way.

It is not intended as a blueprint for a successful legal claim and to be honest were you to use it as such - you would have a certifiable case of the old non compos mentis, or nutjob to use a recognized medical term.

The information in here is not intended as encouragement to hurt yourself for fraudulent purposes. It is more of a theoretical scientific study.

Phew! That's the legal wotsits out of the way... now read on for some more useful info on the benefits of claims insurance compensation.

In the event of something untoward occurring you can contact a claims adviser. They will assess your case, mostly on a no win no fee basis. That means they will not charge for the initial assessment where they will decide if they think you, and they, have a case for claiming compensation.

If they decide that you have a valid and potentially lucrative claim, certainly one that will cover their costs, then they will help you to prepare legal arguments. Most cases do not reach a court anyway, the firm or government organisation that looks to be at fault will usually settle before then on an agreed amount.

The claims insurance company will take a percentage of this and you will get the rest.

The financial upside of injuring yourself at work cannot be overestimated. Many people can make big money as a result of personal injury insurance claims, and aside from a bit of hobbling, limping or whatever, they are enjoying their extra income.

In order to hurt yourself and have a convincing case for earning the readies it is important to research first - and that is why I have created this simple guide.

The aim is to show you the opportunities, so that if by good fortune say, you were lucky enough to staple a piece of paper in your ear - then how best to legitimise that in a legal sense for maximum payout through a persuasive compensation claim.

What we don't want are some amateurs trying to hurt themselves and failing to get payout. That ruins the whole point and could put some of our favourite lawyers and legal firms completely out of business.

So you had an actual real disaster befall you and wreck your body? Oh lucky, lucky you.

If you have suffered a genuine injury at work, or even a slightly suspect one within taxi distance - then you are quite likely going to get rich.

Contact one of those claim advisers or injury lawyers - they are easy to find, harder to avoid, and impossible to get rid of - and they will tell you what to say and how convincingly to act.

If you have been hospitalised or required emergency treatment then try to remember this key phrase...

Never use the following words...

• fell over
• was messing around
• bit drunk
• my fault
• should have looked where I was going

...they are no use to you. In fact they mark you out as a claim failure straightaway.

The main rule is whatever happened it was someone else's fault. You have a genuine personal injury insurance claim and this is your route to happiness.

If you are a natural moaning type as well - so much the better. You will be used to putting it on so that others sympathise. This is just the same thing, except you just have to convince doctors, your employers and maybe a court.

Hopefully you've lost a leg or something, that is like hitting the jackpot as far as no win no fee personal injury compensation is concerned. On the other hand, if you end up in a coma, then that could be a bit of a downer. Your wife will be spending your money.

There's a scale of what pays best in this business. It's not far off what you would miss most, so it needs a bit of thinking about. For example a leg is worth a lot of money, but then you'd probably miss it. Same goes for an arm.

Tip: Don't try to maximise payout by losing all your limbs. You need to retain at least two in my opinion, preferably three.

Eyes are important, but I find this area a bit yuck. As with limbs you really need to retain at least one eye. If you already have a problem eye of course, maybe a squint, then it's not going to be such a big deal to you.

Tip: Maximise your benefit against your loss.

Stress and mental health. Now these are brilliant, but strictly speaking they don't come under this article.  So I'll do them in a different page sometime.

Other bits of your body. Fingers, ears, nose, hair, toes. They are all worth money, and not really that big a deal. Toes are particularly over rated.

Less obvious. The penis and / or gonads. I wouldn't go there. I mean, hopefully with the money you'll be making you might see a little action. So think it through. If you insist, then just one testicle at the very most.

It's got to be convincing. Amateurs will just get a knife and hack away - and then say "what happened to my arm?". You need to set up the scene carefully, enough to convince fellow workers and achieve the injury in one go.

Tip: Never try to have the same accident twice because you messed up first time around. It just doesn't work.

So plan it, practice it at home and get a good friend to judge your performance. Only go for it when you are sure it's all in place.

Here are a few that seem pretty good. I can't honestly say I've tried them all or indeed any of them, but it may help you with ideas.

• Hot coffee - pour anywhere vulnerable. Could be a big payer depending where you spill it.
• Staplers - an accident waiting to happen. Minor puncture wound but if it gets infected.. jackpot.
• Guillotine - the office paper slicer. Deadly. A deep breath, one swift motion and a reasonable clean cut should be achieved. Make sure someone's around at the same time to help you. This could be a high earner.
• Sharp Pencil. All sorts of hidden dangers in this easy to conceal office weapon. Depends how far you want to go really, and what your pain threshold is.

I hope I have tried to make you aware of office safety issues and just how important it is to keep a clean and tidy working environment.

Not really.

That bit's there just for the right on police, who will only glance at this article anyway.

You and I know what we're talking about. Good luck.

One more thing - sometimes people say it hurts. Well yes, everything worthwhile hurts a bit.

I suppose I should point out I haven't tried this myself. I did get a paper cut once. Hurt like hell. Not worth anything though, apart from a couple of days off.