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Funny List of Useless New Year Resolutions with Polls and Cartoons

Happy New Year cartoon - stick woman is giving up sex
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Happy New Year cartoon - stick woman is giving up sex

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New Year Resolution

Choose one and make a commitment

  • Spend less time on the internet
  • Stop smoking
  • Exercise more
  • Lose weight
  • Work harder
  • Be a better person
  • Something else (tell me in the comments, I might add an option)
  • None - they are still a waste of time
See results without voting

Happy New Year!

Jeez... has another year already been and gone? Each year I come back to this page and resolve to make it better and more fun than it was last year.

More resolutions. Funnier resolutions. Better cartoons.

And each year I sigh and give up. Because the one thing we can be certain of as we approach the realisation that no - we didn't manage to keep any of last year's resolutions - is there is always next year.

And that's when I will definitely make this page a lot better. Until then... Happy New Year and let's see how long your resolution lasts...


In the party mood...
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In the party mood...

New Year Resolutions

No matter how much of a social phobic you are - you will be required to join in with the worthless and pointless exercise known as the New Year Resolution.

In the same way as you have to join in with other things - this is another area where you need to make a minimal effort to appear normal.

Apologies if you are normal and congratulations by the way.

It’s a hard time of year to be a sociopath - but here are a few tips so you can be a brief part of the crowd and at least have something glib and useless to say when they ask you…


What’s Your New Year Resolution?

The truth is that I don’t have one - gave them up long ago when they never seemed to come true, no matter how much I wished for them.

Get rich and be successful with girls were two of the most disappointing.

I'm slightly struggling here to get in an upbeat frame of mind for this Resolution article.

It might help if it was New Year's Eve and I was in a merry state.

I can't just say "Happy New Year" and show you a load of cartoons and sarcasm.

Or maybe I can. Depends how merry you are.


Determined to make a resolution and stick to it...
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Determined to make a resolution and stick to it...

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Either stop smoking or lie about it - either is good
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Either stop smoking or lie about it - either is good

Stop Smoking

If you are a smoker this resolution has to be the top one. It's expensive, kills you, makes you smell. Your legs will fall off and it really isn't cool.

Plus the will required to give up sounds impressive - the new healthy you, a man in control, all that stuff.

You can carry on smoking anyway – just be more discrete in future and hope no-one sees you.

tip: if you want to impress the ladies with your iron will and self control then start smoking just before Xmas.

You may find it possible to quit after New Year. Don't inhale.


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Giving up hope for the New Year - stickman cartoon
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Giving up hope for the New Year - stickman cartoon

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Never again and I really mean it this time.
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Never again and I really mean it this time.

Stop Drinking

This is a definite resolution for the first day of the New Year.

Chances are you have a massive hangover and really don't feel like drinking ever again.

If you have been lucky enough to be arrested and / or hospitalized as a result of your excessive New Years Eve drinking then this will strengthen your resolve.

Never again is a common 1st of January saying. Probably only topped by Happy New Year.

This resolution has a very good chance of being kept... until the hangover wears off.


New Year Resolution - give up eating fat food
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New Year Resolution - give up eating fat food

Lose Weight

Why would you draw attention to being a bit of a porker? Seems a bit of a loser idea to me. Again, though it must be right at the top for hopeful but meaningless empty promises.

Want to lose a few pounds? Buy a diet book.

Want to lose a lot of pounds? Buy some of those Acai berries.

Seriously you should try to be happy with your body image and ignore the shouts of "fat boy" as you waddle down the road. Headphones will help.


Stickman explains his honest aims for next year - upset more people
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Stickman explains his honest aims for next year - upset more people

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I am so going to be a better person - absolutely, definitely decided.
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I am so going to be a better person - absolutely, definitely decided.

Become a Better Person

Or just stop being an asshole. It's a glass half-full situation.

I like the idea of this ambition. It is strangely indefinable although it does imply that you suffer from self-loathing.

You were absolutely awful last year so perhaps this time around you could try being half-decent.

An alternative is just to be content with how you are but that won't sell a whole lot of self-help books.

I suppose we could all give more to charity and stuff, maybe think about world issues.

Ok, done that, let’s move on.


We all face choices in the New Year
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We all face choices in the New Year

Find Myself

There are people who find themselves lost, unable to cope with the pressures. They should not be called nutters.

This lost feeling is a state of mind, an alienation with the modern stresses and needs of society.

Sometimes it can be solved with meditation or other forms of therapy which I won't go into for reasons of boredom.

Or they could invest in GPS tracking.



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First day back at work, five minutes in and I want to top myself.
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First day back at work, five minutes in and I want to top myself.

Work Harder

It's easy to sit at home having had a few days off work and resolve to work harder next year.

That much needed rest over Xmas recharges the batteries and you have been reading uplifting New Year posts on Facebook like "life is what you make it".

This encourages the rash to start promising they will turn over a new leaf and put some real effort into their career.

I find that the feeling has gone by about half past nine on the first morning back at work.


This New Year get some perspective on life and climb that mountain.
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This New Year get some perspective on life and climb that mountain.

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Achieving the impossible is... arguably impossible but hey! Let's give it a go for a couple of days
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Achieving the impossible is... arguably impossible but hey! Let's give it a go for a couple of days

Achieve that Thing

There's something that you want to achieve, but have been putting it off.

Maybe it's too challenging, or you are scared of it.

Perhaps it requires a lot of hard work and self discipline.

A drunken commitment around New Year's Eve, when everything seems possible, will make that Thing magically happen.

One way to retain that drunken feeling of optimism is to also resolve to stay drunk all next year. With luck you will have completely forgotten what it was that you were aiming to do. It keeps the guilt of failing at a manageable level.


Let's all save the world - one tree at a time.
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Let's all save the world - one tree at a time.

Save The World

We all want to do this. Sort of.

Thing is we want to save our version of it.

Trees and dolphins maybe.

Or cheap oil and fast cars.

It ends up in one giant tussle between the tree huggers and the car owners.

Just try to remember who is giving you a lift home from the party. It's probably not going to be someone who lives in a tree.


Skipping is great.  Skip work, skip chores, skip down the pub...
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Skipping is great. Skip work, skip chores, skip down the pub...

Exercise More

January 1st do a bit of skipping.

Have a lie down.

Ache for three days.

Job done.

Alternatively buy one of those home gyms. They're great for hanging washing on when the realisation sinks in of just how much work is required to become buffed.

Seriously, exercise is actually good for you and cheap if you just run about a bit. It just seems so, well, tedious when you still have an internet connection.

Assuming your provider doesn't cut you off in the New Year. They have their resolutions too you know.


Everyone has a novel inside them and that is where it should stay
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Everyone has a novel inside them and that is where it should stay

Write A Novel

Do you know how many people have a book inside them?

That’s right. Hardly anyone. Leastways, not something you would want to read yourself.

Still, it’s an aim, and it sounds quite grand, maybe a bit intelligent even. The point is not really the resolution itself, more your target when you say it. They might be impressed. You might get a date.

Here’s a date for you. January 2nd. That’s when your dreams lie in tatters.


Not all activities are fun - Happy New Year!
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Not all activities are fun - Happy New Year!

Take Up Something

Like a hobby. Naked walks, hang gliding – anything really. It’s a New Year, surely you have already planned everything you intend to do? Medieval jousting - is one that might come in handy for a quick bluff.

Read up on it first.

Sod’s law you’ll be talking to someone who does it every weekend.


Always too busy for anything important - time to unplug that computer for a while.
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Always too busy for anything important - time to unplug that computer for a while.

Spend Less Time On The Internet

Actually I agree with this one. It's a lofty ideal, a genuine hope. Use the internet purely for research and shopping, instead of hour upon hour wandering through garbage like this page.

Otherwise the days will turn into weeks, pretty soon it'll be the end of the year and you realise you have spent half of it on fruitless searches and brain rotting views.

There is a whole world out there waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.

I know this because I researched it on the internet during a lull in Facebooking and Tweeting.


List of busted New Year Resolutions
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List of busted New Year Resolutions

New Year Hangover

Of course there's a reason for my bitterness and cynicism here.

It's because every year I quietly think to myself there's a few things I should be doing to self improve.

I don't need to commit to them publicly of course, but secretly I would like to quit smoking, get a better job, lose some weight, get healthy - and so on.

And every year, come January - it's straight back to the same old habits.

Oh well... there's always next year.


I WILL make a Resolution this year

Looking back on last year and my vague lose weight, stop smoking ideas which never came to anything... again... and assessing my general feeling of another year losing the battle with oncoming decreptitude...

Perhaps it really is time I made one - one I can actually keep. This one will enable all the other boxes to be eventually ticked - the weight, the exercise, the time thinking rather than doing.

Mine will be spend less time on the Internet

What's yours?


That New Year resolution can wait till next year after all.
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That New Year resolution can wait till next year after all.

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How to Keep a New Year Resolution

No one will read down this far - but if they do here is a reward.

There is a simple mind trick, positive thinking if you will, which makes sticking to something more possible.

Instead of thinking about giving up things think about becoming something. It is a more positive and affirming way to stand a chance of keeping to a decision. For example - giving up smoking. This common failure has more chance of success if you stop thinking about giving up and focus on becoming.

Becoming a non-smoker. Becoming free of alcohol. Becoming lighter and fitter. It is all about the positive reinforcement message. No, I was not sure about it either. But I almost managed to give up smoking with this attitude.

Maybe next year...



 Last updated on June 3, 2014

Useful {7}Funny {16}Awesome {6}Beautiful {1}Interesting {7}

Leave a New Year Message of Hope (not really) 23 comments

blake4d profile image

blake4d 2 years ago from Now Rising Out of Phoenix Arizona Earthlings Level 2 Commenter

I promise to be a better person when I am at home alone. That guy is a real jerk. I also promise to start using my medication, when he does not hide it from me. Also I will donate to the wildlife fund that saves Bipolar bears. Happy New Years, Auld Lang Syne and Keep on Hubbing. Blake4d

 
Millionaire Tips profile image

Millionaire Tips 2 years ago from USA

I bought a GPS and have found myself. I just wish my other resolutions were as easy to solve!

Motown2Chitown profile image

Motown2Chitown 2 years ago from Jacksonville, FL Level 1 Commenter

I'm the world's worst "resolver," but I like to make a good show of it every year nonetheless! I resolve to become a famous and wealthy online writer. Let's see how that goes. :)

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 2 years ago from Euroland Hub Author

Bipolar bears Blake - I take my furry hat off to you.

MT - Just don't make any. Or make one that already do and claim it as a step forward.

Motown, a full year of writing coming up, surely by the end of the year we'll be raking it in.

FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 2 years ago

I don't keep resolutions, so I stopped making them. That doesn't mean I don't make goals, I just make mini-goals where I break down the big goals into more manageable actions and I don't put a timeline on them as not reaching the goals before the deadline passes actually is depressing.

Teddletonmr profile image

Teddletonmr 2 years ago from Midwest USA

First new years resolution for 2012, make my first million online.

Second, quit smoking, oops did that already. how about loose weight, did that last year.

Ah yes, read more of MarkEwbie Hubs, and admire his stickman art.

Best of luck in the new year, 2012 may be our last... :)

"HAPPY NEW YEAR" all Hubbers. MIke

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 2 years ago from Euroland Hub Author

That make a million resolution is admirable in about a million ways. Almost as worthy as reading more of my pages.

Thanks Mike and Happy New Year...

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Level 4 Commenter

My only new years resolution would be to 'give up making new year's resolutions', but I already did that a number of years back :)

Great and funny hub as always Mark :D

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 2 years ago from Euroland Hub Author

Hi Misty. I would have added that to the poll but if I do it apparently cancels out the votes so far. I'll probably 'relaunch' this page this time next year anyway with a new poll. No one will notice.

Debby Bruck profile image

Debby Bruck 2 years ago Level 1 Commenter

Mark ~ You're the tops. How about your resolution to continue writing hubs and set a goal for how many? How about your desire to attain 100% profile score for so many weeks running? Although the HP admins may have other goals. How about reaching this year for Pooh series to reach broader audience, continue series and get publication permission? What about taking this year to two dollars a day?

I agree with your less internet resolution, but this means reading Mark's satiric hubs a little less often, yet, always knowing I'm behind him all the way in the cheering gallery. Halleluyah! Blessings, Debby

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Level 4 Commenter

Never mind Mark, there is always next year. It is a bit of a pain that you can't add answers to polls without zeroing off all previous votes. Perhaps you could have an extra poll as an afterthought on here, e.g. Would you make a new year's resolution to give up making new year's resolutions? Answers, Yes, No. Just an idea :)

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 2 years ago from Euroland Hub Author

Hi Misty, thanks for the suggestion, job done. Might need to reformat everything a bit, but there's always next year...

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 6 months ago from the Shores of Great Lake Erie Level 7 Commenter

Ohhhh Mark......as usual, I'm commenting through tears of laughter....you ARE a funny guy...no doubt about it. Thanks, I needed that belly laugh (most calories I've used up, all day)

As for some of your suggestions.....I don't drink, so scratch that one. I do smoke, which nowadays is beyond a capital offense, so...I never even admitted that. NEVER, in print.

"Find Yourself?" Mark, honey, at my age, I'M the only thing I CAN find! I may change that one to finding my keys, glasses, cup of coffee, list of "things to remember".....& my meds.

Work Harder? Bull$hit sweetie.....I've done my time. It's Retirement all day every day. Perhaps I can do the "exercise" thing as I "ACHIEVE that thing".....which should be my #1 New Year priority. The whole world knows by now...I invented Procrastination. BUT, I am duly resolved for 2014 and I MEAN IT!

I love your ideas, Mark and I wish you and everyone else much luck and success.........UP++++....pinned & tweeted.

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 6 months ago from Euroland Hub Author

Ah very good fpherj48 - 2014 WILL be different, or definitely the year after.

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 6 months ago from Oakley, CA Level 7 Commenter

Hahahaha!! I voted this 'funny,' but was hoping for a 'hilarious' button.

You've identified the issue very well, and even had some very constructive help at the end. (Yes, I read it all.) Your drawings are as funny as ever, and most apropos.

However, I must admit that I am proud to be 'abnormal,' and not partake in the custom. I gave it up back in the mid 1980's, when I made my final New Year's Resolution: the only one I've ever kept. That was the year I resolved never to make any more New Year's Resolutions!

How's that for a success story? ;-) :-P

Shared and voted up ++

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 6 months ago from Euroland Hub Author

Wow, well kept DzyMsLizzy ! What they don't explain is whether you just do it for a year and then say "Phew - thank goodness that's over" and go back to whatever it was. They sell a lot of gym memberships in the first month.

I do update this page once a year so that is sort of a resolution.

ChitrangadaSharan profile image

ChitrangadaSharan 6 months ago from New Delhi, India Level 7 Commenter

Very interesting hub and so true!

Resolutions are made to be broken. Even I do make lot of Resolutions on the 1st of January every year, only to be broken by the end of the first week of the new year.

That was really interesting and a fun read, with all those sketches. Well done! Voted up and pinned!

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 6 months ago from Euroland Hub Author

Hey cheers Chitrangada! Let's aim for keeping those resolutions for a fortnight this year :)

snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 6 months ago from Canada Level 3 Commenter

Happy New Year Mark! Whatever you do, donèt give up hope (I resolve to fix the bilingual issue on my keyboard). Stay warm and funny...Regards, snakeslane

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 6 months ago from Euroland Hub Author

Regards to you as well snakeslane - good to see you, and I hope the New Year is good for you :)

snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 6 months ago from Canada Level 3 Commenter

Thankyou! That would be a nice...touch wood.

MysticMoonlight 6 months ago

This is too funny. I've heard a lot about your hubs (great things) and I concur, they are fantastic! Your articles are really, really great on so many levels, humor being my absolute favorite! Happy New Year, Mark :)

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 6 months ago from Euroland Hub Author

HNY MysticMoonlight,I'll just say thanks!

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