Best List of Useless and Futile New Year Resolutions

No matter how much of a social phobic you are you will be required to join in with this worthless and ultimately pointless exercise.

In the same way as pretending to be interested in the latest football scores, or what someone said to someone else – you need to make a minimal effort to appear normal.

It’s a hard time of year to be a sociopath, but here are a few tips so you can be a brief part of the crowd and at least have something glib and useless to say when they ask you…

What’s Your New Year Resolution?

The God’s honest truth is that I don’t have one, gave them up long ago like when I grew up.

Why should this day be any different to any other?

Obviously it is very important to drink a lot of alcohol and try to impress people with your, er, people skills – but to add this inane question to the list of things you have to pretend to be interested in… yeah great.

Anyway, you don’t want to read about me moaning, you need these killer ideas to enable you to blend in.

If you are a smoker of course. It’s got to be the top one.

Sounds impressive, the new healthy you, a man in control, all that stuff.

You can carry on smoking of course – just be more discrete in future.

tip: if you want to impress the ladies with your iron will and self control then start smoking just before Xmas. You may find it possible to quit after New Year. Don't inhale.

This is a definite resolution for the first day of the New Year.

Chances are you have a massive hangover and really don't feel like drinking ever again.

If you have been lucky enough to be arrested and / or hospitalized as a result of your excessive New Years Eve drinking then this will strengthen your resolve.

Never again is a common 1st of January saying. Probably only topped by Happy New Year.

This resolution has a very good chance of being kept... until the hangover wears off.

Why would you draw attention to being a bit of a porker? Seems a bit of a loser idea to me. Again, though it must be right at the top for hopeful but meaningless empty promises.

Want to lose a few pounds? Buy a diet book.

Want to lose a lot of pounds? Buy some of those Acai berries.

I like this. Strangely indefinable.

Better than what?

Better than them?

Well you probably are already. Or better than you currently are? Bizarre.

I suppose we could all give more to charity and stuff, maybe think about world issues.

Ok, done that, let’s move on.

Love this, love the concept. You don’t know where you are.

GPS tracking mate, that’s all you need.

Good lie, this one for the boss at the office party.

Although it may imply you haven’t been working as hard as you could.

Use sparingly.

There's something that you want to achieve, but have been putting it off.

Maybe it's too challenging, or you are scared of it.

Perhaps it requires a lot of hard work and commitment.

A drunken commitment around New Year's Eve, when everything seems possible, will make that Thing magically happen.

One way to retain that drunken feeling of optimism is to also resolve to stay drunk all next year.

We all want to do this. Sort of.

Thing is we want to save our version of it.

Trees and dolphins maybe.

Or cheap oil and fast cars.

It ends up in one giant tussle between the tree huggers and the car owners.

Just try to remember whose giving you a lift home from the party.

January 1^st do a bit of skipping.

Have a lie down.

Ache for three days.

Job done.

Alternatively buy one of those home gyms. They're great for hanging washing on when the realisation sinks in of just how much work is required to become buffed.

Do you know how many people have a book inside them?

That’s right. Hardly anyone. Leastways, not something you would want to read yourself.

Still, it’s an aim, and it sounds quite grand, maybe a bit intelligent even. The point is not really the resolution itself, more your target when you say it. They might be impressed. You might get a date.

Here’s a date for you. January 2^nd. That’s when your dreams lie in tatters.

Like a hobby. Naked walks, hang gliding – anything really. It’s a New Year, surely you have already planned everything you intend to do? Medieval jousting - is one that might come in handy for a quick bluff.

Read up on it first.

Sod’s law you’ll be talking to someone who does it every weekend.

Actually I agree with this one. It's a lofty ideal, a genuine hope. Use the internet purely for research and shopping, instead of hour upon hour wandering through garbage like this page.

Otherwise the days will turn into weeks, pretty soon it'll be the end of the year and you realise you have spent half of it on fruitless searches and brain rotting views.

There is a whole world out there waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.

I know this because I researched it on the internet during a lull in Facebooking and Tweeting.

My boss made me put this one in. He said I needed to be more pushy this year. Sell more stuff, get more attention.

Apparently this year has been a total failure, or last year, depending on when you're reading this.

I need to be more in people's faces, selling product, and my unique brand of whatever (fill in later).

So, er, yeah.

Read my stuff. Buy a fridge magnet.

One of my favorite sayings around this time of year is "New Year - New Fridge Magnet".

Not really.

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You see, at certain times, we all have to make an effort to belong, to be part of the crowd. It helps you get along in work and social life, and enables you to be a fuller and richer person.

Say it like you mean it.

I’ll add a few more to this as we get nearer the time. No need to panic yet. Or maybe just not go out for a couple of weeks. That’s my favourite New Year resolution.

At least come January I won't be suffering from the ritual shame and humiliation of the usual lapsed and failed ambition that we drunkenly commit to on New Year's Eve.

Tip: don't use the Share button below. This is just between you and me.

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edit: Oh silly me, nearly forgot. Happy New Year!

Of course there's a reason for my bitterness and cynicism here.

It's because every year I quietly think to myself there's a few things I should be doing to self improve.

I don't need to commit to them publicly of course, but secretly I would like to quit smoking, get a better job, lose some weight, get healthy - and so on.

And every year, come January - it's straight back to the same old habits.

Oh well... there's always next year.

Looking back on last year and my vague lose weight, stop smoking ideas which never came to anything... again... and assessing my general feeling of another year losing the battle with oncoming decreptitude...

Perhaps it really is time I made one.

One I can actually keep.

One that might enable all the other boxes to be eventually ticked - the weight, the exercise, the time thinking rather than doing.

Mine will be...

Spend less time on the Internet

What's yours?

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