Funny List of Useless New Year Resolutions
Happy New Year!
Jeez... has another year already been and gone? Each year I come back to this page and resolve to make it better and more fun than it was last year.
More resolutions. Funnier resolutions. Better cartoons.
And each year I sigh and give up. Because the one thing we can be certain of as we approach the realisation that no - we didn't manage to keep any of last year's resolutions - is there is always next year.
And that's when I will definitely make this page a lot better. Until then... Happy New Year and let's see how long your resolution lasts...
New Year Resolutions
No matter how much of a social phobic you are - you will be required to join in with the worthless and pointless exercise known as the New Year Resolution.
In the same way as you have to join in with other things - this is another area where you need to make a minimal effort to appear normal.
Apologies if you are normal and congratulations by the way.
It’s a hard time of year to be a sociopath - but here are a few tips so you can be a brief part of the crowd and at least have something glib and useless to say when they ask you…
What’s Your New Year Resolution?
The truth is that I don’t have one - gave them up long ago when they never seemed to come true, no matter how much I wished for them.
Get rich and be successful with girls were two of the most disappointing.
I'm slightly struggling here to get in an upbeat frame of mind for this Resolution article. It might help if it was New Year's Eve and I was in a merry state.
I can't just say "Happy New Year" and show you a load of cartoons and sarcasm.
Or maybe I can. Depends how merry you are.
If you are a smoker this resolution has to be the top one. It's expensive, kills you, makes you smell. Your legs will fall off and it really isn't cool.
Plus the will required to give up sounds impressive - the new healthy you, a man in control, all that stuff.
You can carry on smoking anyway – just be more discrete in future and hope no-one sees you.
tip: if you want to impress the ladies with your iron will and self control then start smoking just before Xmas.
You may find it possible to quit after New Year. Don't inhale.
As an alternative to smoking - vaping has a whole lot going for it...
This is a definite resolution for the first day of the New Year.
Chances are you have a massive hangover and really don't feel like drinking ever again.
If you have been lucky enough to be arrested and / or hospitalized as a result of your excessive New Years Eve drinking then this will strengthen your resolve.
Never again is a common 1st of January saying. Probably only topped by Happy New Year.
This resolution has a very good chance of being kept... until the hangover wears off.
Why would you draw attention to being a bit of a porker? Seems a bit of a loser idea to me. Again, though it must be right at the top for hopeful but meaningless empty promises.
Want to lose a few pounds? Buy a diet book.
Want to lose a lot of pounds? Buy some of those Acai berries.
Seriously you should try to be happy with your body image and ignore the shouts of "fat boy" as you waddle down the road. Headphones will help.
Become a Better Person
Or cut back on being an total ass-hole.
I like the idea of this ambition although it implies you suffer from self-loathing.
You were absolutely awful last year so perhaps this time around you could try being half-decent.
An alternative is just to be content with how you are but that won't sell a whole lot of self-help books.
I suppose we could all give more to charity and thin children - maybe think about world issues. As if life is not depressing enough.
Ok. Been there, done that, let’s move on.
There are people who find themselves lost, unable to cope with the pressures. They should not be called nutters.
This lost feeling is a state of mind, an alienation with the modern stresses and needs of society.
Sometimes it can be solved with meditation or other forms of therapy which I won't go into for reasons of boredom.
Or they could invest in GPS tracking.
It is easy to sit at home having had a few days off work and resolve to work harder next year.
That much needed rest over Xmas recharges the batteries and you have been reading uplifting New Year posts on Facebook like "life is what you make it".
This encourages rash people to start promising they will turn over a new leaf and put some real effort into their career.
I find that the feeling has gone by about half past nine on the first morning back at work.
Achieve that Thing
There is something that you want to achieve, but have been putting it off.
Maybe it's too challenging, or you are scared of it. Perhaps it requires a lot of hard work and self discipline.
A drunken commitment around New Year's Eve, when everything seems possible, will make that Thing magically happen.
One way to retain that drunken feeling of optimism is to also resolve to stay drunk all next year. With luck you will have completely forgotten what it was that you were aiming to do. It keeps the guilt of failing at a manageable level.
Save The World
We all want to save the world. The thing is we want to save our version of it.
Trees and dolphins maybe or cheap oil and fast cars.
It ends up in one giant tussle between the tree huggers and the car owners.
Just try to remember who is giving you a lift home from the party. It's probably not going to be someone who lives in a tree.
January 1st do a bit of skipping.
Have a lie down and ache for three days.
Alternatively buy one of those home gyms. They're great for hanging washing on when the realisation sinks in of just how much work is required to become buffed.
Seriously, exercise is actually good for you and cheap if you just run about a bit. It just seems so, well, tedious when you still have an internet connection and a brain.
An alternative is to take out a gym membership. You don't need to go.
Write A Novel
Do you know how many people have a book inside them?
That’s right. Hardly anyone. Leastways, not something you would want to read yourself.
Still, it’s an aim, and it sounds quite grand, maybe a bit intelligent even. The point is not really the resolution itself, more your target when you say it. They might be impressed. You might get a date.
Here’s a date for you. January 2nd. That’s when your dreams lie in tatters.
Take Up Something
Like a hobby. Naked walks, hang gliding – anything really. It’s a New Year, surely you have already planned everything you intend to do? Medieval jousting - is one that might come in handy for a quick bluff.
Read up on it first.
Sod’s law you’ll be talking to someone who does it every weekend.
Spend Less Time On The Internet
Actually I agree with this one. It's a lofty ideal, a genuine hope. Use the internet purely for research and shopping, instead of hour upon hour wandering through garbage like this page.
Otherwise the days will turn into weeks, pretty soon it'll be the end of the year and you realise you have spent half of it on fruitless searches and brain rotting views.
There is a whole world out there waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.
I know this because I researched it on the internet during a lull in Facebooking and Tweeting.
New Year Hangover
Of course there is a reason for my bitterness and cynicism here.
Every year I quietly think to myself there are a few things I should be doing to self improve.
I don't need to commit to them publicly of course, but secretly I would like to quit smoking, get a better job, lose some weight, get healthy - and so on.
And every year, come January - straight back to the same old habits.
Oh well... there's always next year.
I WILL make a Resolution this year
Looking back on last year and my vague lose weight, stop smoking ideas which never came to anything... again... and assessing my general feeling of another year losing the battle with oncoming decrepitude...
Perhaps it really is time I made one that I can actually keep. This one will enable all the other boxes to be eventually ticked - the weight, the exercise, the time thinking rather than doing.
Mine will be spend less time on the Internet
How to Keep a New Year Resolution
No one will read down this far - but if they do here is a reward.
There is a simple mind trick, positive thinking if you will, which makes sticking to something more possible.
Instead of thinking about giving up things think about becoming something. It is a more positive and affirming way to stand a chance of keeping to a decision. For example - giving up smoking. This common failure has more chance of success if you stop thinking about giving up and focus on becoming.
Becoming a non-smoker. Becoming free of alcohol. Becoming lighter and fitter. It is all about the positive reinforcement message. No, I was not sure about it either. But I almost managed to give up smoking with this attitude.
Maybe next year...
Last updated on December 31, 2014
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